Here in Cambodia...

Hey everyone! I’m sorry I haven’t updated sooner. I’m basically in the middle of nowhere and the internet is almost impossible! We are currently right outside of Phnom Penh, Cambodia working in an HIV AIDS orphanage. There are about 205 kids that live here and they are all HIV positive. Our team has been here almost two weeks, and we will be here another week! I can’t believe Friday is Christmas.. it doesn’t feel like it at all. But I am so excited to see the kids get to have Christmas, and experience it in a new way!

God has been working in me quite a lot. It has been an adventure.. thats for sure! And it still has only begun! Being surrounded by sickness and a spirit of hopelessness has been a big challenge. It has left me feeling frustrated and confused, again, with some of the same questions I’ve had since My sweet Jace’s death. Over the last week or so I’ve really struggled with finding Him in all this sadness. I’ve found myself asking Him where He is and why He’s not doing anything? But He really has taken ahold of me and shook me pretty hard. I read Corrie Ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place” and really started looking at things a lot differently. A big thing that He has showed me this week is that sometimes the knowledge that I want to have is too heavy for me to carry. I have to learn to let my Father carry it for me until I am able. Grasping this has really freed me.. in a way that I can’t even explain. I don’t want to be God’s judge anymore. I don’t want to look at Him and see only the things about Him that I can’t understand. I’m ready to let Him just be my Hiding Place. I think I’ve been wrestling for so long.. and I can feel God telling me that it’s time for me to give it up. And I’m ready to. I miss Jace. Everyday. I always will. And I won’t ever understand why some things happen the way they do. But I can rest in knowing that God can see the good in broken things. Even when I can’t. It doesn’t make the pain go away. The memories still come.. and it still hurts. But now I know that God IS good. I don’t have to just say it anymore. I KNOW it.

“But this is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preperation for the future that only He can see.” -Corrie Ten Boom

Being here has been life-changing. Obviously! ;) But the kids just LOVE to be with us. They follow us around, climbing on our backs, wanting to play games. Some just want to sit in your lap or hold your hand. All they want is to know that they are wanted.. accepted. And in more ways than one I’ve seen myself in them. If I look deep inside my heart, thats what eats at me the most. “Am I wanted?” And a lot of times I follow the wrong things around, looking for the answer, when God is ultimately the only one who can give me a satisfactory one. He’s the only one who can answer “YES!” every time! In the same way, I see Him in every one of them. In every hug and kiss. Or just when I suddenly feel a little hand in mine. God wants to be wanted.. just like I do. Probably more than I do! He wants to know that I want to spend time with Him.

It’s a lot to learn. And it’s only been the first two weeks! I am so very thankful for God’s patience with me. I am so very blessed to have been chosen to be on this journey. He is blessing me with more than I could have imagined! Thank you guys for supporting me and continuing to pray for the things He is doing! He IS good!

Leaving in four days...

Wow! I have been so bad about updating. I am so so sorry! Things have been so crazy, but God has been doing more than I can explain. This last weekend I got to go home for Thanksgiving, and seeing my family was just awesome! It was refreshing to be there and get to spend so much time with them... even though it went by super fast. I was sad to leave them, but not sad to come back. I have been doing a lot to get ready for outreach emotionally, spiritually, AND physically! We leave Sunday morning!! It came so fast! For those of you who don't already know, I just got the rest of my tuition money in last week. Praise God!! But I am still in need of some extra money for small needs I will most likely have overseas. Thank you to all of you who have been such a blessing to me, in helping me be able to take this journey! I could not do it without you!

It's hard to explain what all is going through my brain at the moment.. and my heart. But, of course, these next few days will be a little stressful trying to get everything together and prepare myself for what God has! There are many things that we will be doing over our trip that I just know God has His hand in my team and all the places that we will be going. If any of you would want to be part of my email chain please send me your email address ASAP! I won't be able to talk on the phone and I don't know for sure how often I will be able to get to an internet cafe... but I will make it a priority for sure!

I am definitely struggling to have daily quiet times. But I realize more and more every day how important they are. Maybe not "quiet times" but more just being in the word and spending time with God. I can see how it affects me when I don't stay on top of it. Over outreach I am going to discipline myself to reading the new testament over our three month period. I'm kind of excited about it! God wants to teach me so much. I can feel it!

All I can say is that I never dreamed there would be so much drama at a place like this!!! But, hey, we're all human right? Some things have been hard and I have found myself more than ever before, believing the lies that the enemy loves throwing at me. I have had to make a daily choice to look at myself through God's eyes, and no one else's! But it is definitely a challenge. I don't think I've ever been so insecure about myself as I have been these last few days. And part of me is afraid about that end of outreach. I don't doubt that God will use me exactly the way He wants to, or even that I won't be able to adapt to the culture and the different way of life for awhile. But I can't even imagine going, and trying to be a light to the lost... feeling like this. I know that God is bigger than all of this!! And He is reminding me every minute of how precious I am to Him and what HE says about me. But, it's hard to get that from my head to my heart. Please be praying for me on outreach.. that God would give me His eyes for myself and ALL those around me. I don't want anything to blind me from seeing His wonders and glory on this amazing journey! He is going to do so much, and teach me more than I can imagine! And the enemy wants to bring me down and keep me from being excited and wanting to go. So be praying for me! I know that I'll be fine. Love you guys and thank you so much for being here!

My email address is bparkman@ymail.com --Send me an email letting me know that you would like to receive my updates! :)

Sweetly Broken...

I'm so sorry I haven't written... it has been so busy! But I can not even explain what all God has begun to do in me. I can't believe we are starting week six! It's going by so fast!! And there is so much that God has already opened my eyes to!

All of our weeks look the same for the most part. We have a new speaker every week (this week it's going to be our lovely DTS school leader, Jen!). Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we have about one and a half to two hours of "Worship and Intercession" starting at 8:30! Then starting at 10:30 we have a two hour lecture and lunch at 12:30. Everyday, from 1:30 to 3:30, we have what's called a "work duty" where they place us around the base doing whatever they need us to do! The first week, we were each assigned to work duties, and God totally knows me.. I work in the nursery! (Best job ever! He loves me THAT much!) Then, most days, from 3:30 to 5:30 we have another two hour lecture. But after that we have dinner and mostly free time to hang out or do work that we've been assigned to! We have a set of books that we are required to read and turn in book reports on, and each week we have to creatively reflect on what we've learned with our "one-on-one". My one-on-one is probably one of my favorite parts of my week! We have a certain staff leader that was assigned to us, that is here just to help us talk through things and process what we're learning! And then weekends are free! But no matter how much free time I have, I always find myself looking for more! There is just so much to be done! Reading, book reports, quiet times... But it is so good, and God has so much in store!

There is so much going on in my head at the moment. The first week God really showed me some things about where my heart was about Jace. He made me realize that for the past year I hadn't let myself be honest about how it really made me feel. I kept myself so busy that I hadn't dealt with much, really. He showed me that I can tell Him that it makes me angry and confused, that I don't understand how this could happen. And it was really freeing to be able to let that all go. It's like when your mad at someone you're close to (maybe a best friend?) but you don't feel like bringing it all up, so you just pretend that everything is fine.. when in reality your just making it worse by not being honest with that person. But, at the same time, it's brought up a lot of things that I never imagined could exist inside me. I realize that this is where my trust issues come from. I find myself confused about who God is... and who He is to me. How am I supposed to look at Him? And my heart is to know Him for who He is! But, on one end I know Him as a good God who loves me with all of His heart. A God that wants to be with me, wants to give me everything He can, wants to hold my hand... play with my hair. But then, there is this other side of me that is so confused. God, if You're so good then how could this happen? I thought You wanted the best for me? You promised me! How could things go from being so good to being so bad? How could You take him away from us after You promised that he would be healed? How can I trust You after that? And why? Why Jace? Or why NOT Jace? How can You heal some little babies but You wouldn't heal Jace? And the questions go on and on. I never knew that all this was even inside of me! And it is a daily struggle that I am going through... wrestling with God about all these issues. But I feel like in a weird way, it's brought us closer. He is proud of me, that I'm willing to be honest and work through it all. It sucks. And when I'm thinking about it so often.. I'm thinking about Jace a lot. The memories will just randomly flood in, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Good memories. Bad memories. Memories, nonetheless, of a little baby boy that meant more to me than words can say. But what I realize, is that when I miss him, God misses him with me. And when I feel like there is no one who understands, He understands. And when I weep, He weeps with me. And no matter how blurred my vision may be at this moment in my life, God is loving me through it. He is doing more in me than perhaps I would have hoped! But I know that it's going to be so worth it in the end! I am determined to get over the sun, and really know my God for who He is. Keep praying!!!

Lecture Phase Begins!

Well, I'm here!!! We drove ALL the way from Oklahoma and pulled into the parking lot at about 12:30pm yesterday! They had a family dinner and then a welcoming service, my parents and little sister stayed the night, and then left me early this morning! God has just given me such a peace.. I cannot even explain to you! I am more comfortable than I ever imagined! And even though we are still trying to get to know each other, I have made some really good friends ALREADY!! I am so excited to see what all He has in store for me here! Be praying for me, as I'm sure the enemy will be trying to make me homesick, and keep me from growing in my relationship with the Lord! I also feel like I may struggle a little bit to stay focused on Him, and Him, alone. But I know that He is bigger than anything, and nothing can stop His plan for me... not even ME! I'm so glad to have all of you, and so excited that this amazing journey has finally begun!!! God is good!

Two years old...

On August 14, 2007 I watched little Jace Richard Campbell come into this world. I remember suiting up and waiting for the nurse to come and tell us we could go in. Rocky and I were so excited, we could hardly wait! But once we got inside the operating room, it all happened so fast. A life began right in front of my eyes.. a life that I had no idea would one day, all too soon, mean more to me than I could ever imagine. I feel like words are just not enough. I was happy to celebrate Jace's birthday. Happy that he was more happy than we even know. But so much of it is bitter. The memories are happy, but they always have the pain at the end.

My favorite memory I have of him, before he got sick, was one day when Lydia had taken Court out to do something fun and I had stayed with Jace and Rocky. I remember getting him out of the bathtub and putting his lotion on (he hated lotion) so by the time I had him all lathered up, he was pretty upset with me. So I picked him up and held him close, and I told him "It's okay, Beth's here" and then I sang him his Byo's (his favorite lullaby) swaying back and forth. After I calmed him down I put his little "Admi - (red)" onesie on from BabyGap, and I played with him in his exersaucer. He was so happy. But, he was always happy!

I couldn't stop thinking about him... his handsome little smile, what it felt like to hold him in my arms. And then we wrote him notes, tied them to balloons, and let them go. And a small part of me thinks "why?" He should be here, walking around on his wabbly legs. Today should be happy. Eating Birthday cake should be fun. But, it wasn't. I didn't want any Birthday cake. I wanted to take a picture with my Niece and BOTH of my nephews. But instead I took a picture with Courtlynn and Jett by Jace's headstone. Sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes I just can't understand.

Last week I took Courtlynn on a date, and before we ate I started to pray. But she stopped me and said "I'll pray!" and she literally took me away... "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me to understand. Amen." I think God knew how much I would need that prayer for this particular day. Sometimes we DON'T understand. And, honestly, it's okay with me if I don't. I can rest in the arms of God, knowing that He has everything under control. And it's okay to be sad, sometimes. It's okay to not understand, and maybe wonder why things turned out this way... wonder why they couldn't be different. God is just that good.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for I will comfort them."

Happy 2nd Birthday my baby angel. We miss you and love you so very much!

Only one more month...

Well, its been a little while! So sorry! I've been super busy with all kinds of things! We had our Scentsy Party and made a little over one hundred dollars! Thank you Jesus! I'm just believing that God is going to provide! Even if it's not until the day before my deadline! And wouldn't it be just like Him to do that!? :) I spoke with the YWAM register's office a few days ago and got a pretty good idea about what else I'm going to need, how much room I will have,...Etc. I will for sure have three other roommates! And our room is just like a hotel room with two bunk beds, a dresser of 8 drawers, and one closet! So, I won't be able to bring many things! But, I think thats part of the experience, learning to be thankful and content with what you have... with what you NEED. I've reached a little over half of my tuition! I still have about $3,000 to go! And that includes airfare to wherever my Outreach Phase will be! Which I won't know until probably week three or four of my Lecture Phase... so end of September, beginning of October.

As it gets closer and closer to time, I have to be honest, I'm pretty nervous! Everyday life, here in Oklahoma, is easy. It's comfortable. I know everyone around me, I make my own money and spend it on what I want to spend it on, I can take my Courty on a date any day! And all that is about to be stripped away. Which is good, don't get me wrong! I know that then it will be just me and my Jesus, and thats a big reason He's sending me away! But that doesn't exactly make it any easier! I'll miss Court's 4th birthday. I'll miss watching Jett grow for 6 months. I'll miss Christmas with my family. Morning breakfasts with my mom. Family nights every Tuesday. Hanging out with my friends. And the list could go on forever! But that almost makes it even more precious, this journey I'm about to embark on. God invited me, and in order for me to go, I have to leave all this behind. Everything that's ever meant anything to me! Everything I've ever known. An adventure! And it's exciting and scary and sad all at the same time! It won't be easy, thats for sure! But I think it will fly by, and I'll be home before I know it! ....Probably wishing I was still there!

So this last month I am making as much time as possible to be with my family and friends. This week I'm fasting from 6:00pm to 6:00am. (It's harder than it sounds! Like an hour after dinner, I want something sweet!) And I'm also fasting from secular music. I feel like when I surround myself with worship and the word of God, I'm almost a different person! I'm praying for Faith and Trust in the Lord, that He will provide. And I'm praying that He will just continue to make my heart yearn for Him more and more each day! He's always faithful, He's always good, He's never failed me. I can't wait to run away with my Jesus!

One Year...

One year ago, today I kissed Jace Richard goodbye. If someone had told me that day that I was going to make it, I don't think I would have believed them. Thinking back to that last day, (July, 4th 2008) I can remember the last time I held him in my arms, the last time I fed him, the last time I kissed his sweet lips... and the pain is still so heavy. My favorite part about that day was holding him so close in the water and dancing around in circles til he fell asleep with his little arms around me. Not a day has gone by, this whole year, that I didn't think about that baby boy. I would give just about anything to hear his sweet voice again, or smell his little scent. I can still see him in his "Dream Boat" jammies, and I'll never forget what it felt like to lay with him right up next to me. Being "Aunt Beth" is probably one of the most important things to me. And being JACE'S "Aunt Beth" was my favorite thing, Period. I can't put into words, what God has done in me as I look back on his life. He made me brave. That little boy was stronger and more courageous than anyone I have ever met in my life! If it weren't for him, I truly don't believe that I would have had the guts to do something like YWAM. And as painful as this last year has been, God has once again, in a way I cannot even begin to explain, proved Himself faithful. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So thank you my sweet Jesus, for carrying me through... ALL of us! And thank you Jace for giving me the opportunity to be your "Aunt Beth", and for making me brave. We love and miss you so very much.

Garage Sale Success!

Well, the garage sale was this last Friday and I owe my mom and sisters and my niece and nephew a BIG THANK YOU! But especially me niece and nephew! ;) It was super hot, but we toughed it out until 2:00, and we made exactly $300! God is so good! So that puts me at $715 paid towards my outreach phase, leaving me with $3,000 to go! It will come! My sister, Lydia, recently started selling Scentsy, so she is helping  me throw a Scentsy party, where she will explain how the products work and everyone will have an opportunity to smell all the different scents and make orders! All the proceeds will go to me, for YWAM!! Were just coming up with all kinds of ideas, aren't we?! So that will be July 10th! I will be sending invitations out this weekend!  

God has been doing quite a lot in me! There have been a lot of hard changes in the past couple weeks, and three weeks from yesterday it will be one year ago that we lost our Sweet Jace Richard. 

It has been a very hard year. At times I wandered if I would even make it. "Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus." 1 Timothy 1:14 And thats the only way we ALL made it! Jace is a part of my every day. I miss him every minute. And I think it will always be that way. But thats okay with me! Day after day, God is more and more faithful to me! And I am so thankful for Him and for every one of my amazing family members! I couldn't do it without Courtsie...

Or my Jett Richard, he reminds me so much of Jace...

 

Honestly, I couldn't do it without ANY of my family! It's a hard thing, and it sucks. But, believe it or not, God is still good. He still takes me by the hand and leads me daily. He blesses me constantly, with people who love and care about me. And no matter where I go or what I do, He loves me. He is going to be with me every minute of everyday, whether I feel him or not! And what more could I ask for? 

Lecture Phase PAID FOR!!!!

"But how can people call for help if they don't know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven't heard of the One who can be trusted? And how can they hear if nobody tells them?" Romans 10:14

Well, the garage sale is this Friday from 7:00 am to 3:00 pm! (Tomorrow morning!!!) I'm hoping we will make a good amount of money to maybe even pay off the rest of my fees for YWAM! I know God will come through! I spoke with one of the ladies today and my balance is $3,515! How good is God?? That means that my Lecture Phase is PAID FOR!! And $415 of my Outreach Phase is paid for!! So that leaves about $3,500 to go!! I know we can do it! 

Though I have been through my fair share of changes in the past five years, (and still have many more to come, I'm sure!) that has to be one of my biggest struggles right now. We sent my big brother off last week to fight for our country, and it's hard. It's hard to think about what it was like when we were all younger and playing silly games together... and hard to think about all the possibilities of what could happen. 

But it always seems to go back to trusting God, trusting God in every aspect of life. And, I think, often times I forget how blessed I am to even be living this amazing life! So I am thanking Him for every minute, here, with the ones I love... and trusting Him, with the small things AND the big ones! Thank you guys so much for reading and being a part! Hope to see you tmrw!!!

Not a little girl...

I am continuing to recognize all that God is doing to prepare me for YWAM. It seems like all the people and things that I cling to the most and depend upon have begun to slowly slip away... and its a little bittersweet. It's so overwhelming to think about the future. Where I'll be after YWAM, what I'll do when I  get home, meeting someone, getting married... what will it all look like? Lately, I've really been asking myself "Who does God want me to be?" And I know, with everything in me, that I want to do whatever it is that He has planned. It's just a little scary to think about what it might cost me. And, I'm just going to be honest, at times, I wish I was ten again... dancing around in my favorite hand-me-down, lace dress and pretending to be a bride. When my deepest concern was whether I was going to get to spend the night with my best friend, or not! I miss those days... when pain was scraping my knee and fear was the spider on my bedroom floor. As you grow older you realize that there are much worse things than not having a date for the Christmas dance or not being nominated "Most Likely to Succeed". Honestly, who really even cares? There comes a time when you look closer and realize that it doesn't matter. And I guess, whether I like it or not, I'm growing up. I'm ready to focus my everyday around Him, and bring glory to His Name in everything I do. Just be praying for me, and my jumble of emotions! There is so much going on! I can't exactly make sense of ANY of it! But what I do know is that God is STILL good! 

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." (2 Timothy 1:7)

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:6-9)

Don't forget!!! My garage sale is going to be June 19th and possibly the 20th, as well! If you have anything to donate please call me!!! Even if you have nothing to donate I would love it if everyone would try and stop by... you never know what you might find!! Thanks so much for being a part!

Halfway There!!!

Well I had a graduation party on Saturday and God worked miracles!!! I received, all together, $1,100 towards YWAM! Which brings me to $3,440! So my first half is payed for! Praise Jesus!! Now the most I will have to raise is $3,000 for the outreach phase! Which I know God will provide! I've started a little savings account,too, that I will use while I'm gone for living costs... Activities, gas, and any other needs I might have! It's all coming together. And it seems to be coming SO fast! There is so much going on, but this seems to be the biggest thing for me right now! I'm trying so hard to prepare for it in every way I possibly can! Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, and Emotionally. There is so much to do! But I'm having a blast! I can't tell you how precious every minute with my family is to me right now! 

Andrew leaves for Iraq in 15 days! And I can't believe he will be gone for a year! I can still remember playing silly little games with him and doing crazy things!! He always knew how to make me laugh... and still does!! I couldn't ask for a better big brother. There are so many times that I look at him and hope that, someday, the man I marry will be something like him. He's so big and strong, and when I'm with him I'm never afraid. He's always on time! :) He is always willing to listen. And he is one of my favorite people to talk to about music; He always knows of fun new songs that I haven't heard! I'm going to miss him very much and I'm praying that God will prepare him for where he's going and what he'll see. I trust that God will bring him home, safe to us! 

My Courty Serene is probably my favorite girl in the world! I took her on a date not too long ago and on the way home she said to me "Beth, your my very best friend. And I love you so so so much!" I cannot tell you what that does to my heart!! I love that girl more than I could have ever imagined! And every minute with her has become so precious to me! I don't know what I will do without her for six months! I don't know what I will do without any of my family for six months!! And when I think about it, a small part of me panics! But the other part of me gets butterflies, you know, like you do when someone you like walks past you or smiles at you. Because I am so excited to see what God is going to do! And I can't wait to spend all that time with my One and Only!! I think about my future and all that He has in store, and I'm so excited that none of it has even started!! Like when you get to the very top of a roller coaster, and you know that your about to go down and it's going to be the most amazing ride of your life! And your a little scared and you might feel a little sick at your stomach, but for a split second your so excited that you have this whole ride in front of you! That it's only just begun! That's where I feel like God has me! And I can't wait to go on this journey with Him!

Garage sale!!!

We are trying to put together a garage sale for the first or second weekend in June!! And ANYTHING will help!! I'm hoping to just gather a bunch of random stuff and put it all out there with some signs that say what we're raising money for! So hopefully that goes well!! We sent out my graduation announcements and since then, I've gotten a little bit more money! I'm not quite sure exactly what number we're at yet... but I will figure it and put it up as soon as I can! I'm getting more and more excited! And God is doing so much! I just wish I could feel him a little more sometimes... I get so distracted with everyday things and trying to balance my time with family and friends and work. So I've just been praying that He would help me to find a good way to make time to spend with Him! I still just love knowing that even when He feels far away, He's always so close! I know He has a plan, even in my relationship with Him. I have so far to go!! And that makes it kind of exciting!! I can't imagine what kind of amazing things He will do in me while I'm gone! I can't wait to see all the ways He reveals himself to me! That part is what I'm looking forward to the most! Kind of like a long awaited date with my sweet Jesus! A six month long date! I can't wait to see where He takes me! Keep praying!!

Growing up...

 This last friday I turned 18!! I can’t believe I’m actually an adult!! I know it sounds cheesey, but it’s a little scary that I’m growing up! I still feel like a little girl! I’m not sure that I’m ready to make my own decisions and be my own person!? It’s so weird to feel like all of the sudden your not a kid anymore. It makes me think of that part in “Chronicles Of Narnia” when Prince Caspian finally comes face to face with Aslan and Aslan commands the kings and queens to rise. But Caspian stays nelt because he doesn’t believe he is ready to be a king. But Aslan replies “It is for this reason, I know you are.” It’s so crazy how God just knows exactly what  you need and when. And how even when YOU don’t exactly know who you are and who you want to be...He does! I can feel him just reassuring me everytime I start to doubt myself! He is so very good. I sent in another set of checks yesterday which brings me to $2,215.00 with almost $3,500 to go!! God will provide!! It’s still scary when I think about leaving though... I can’t believe I’m actually doing it!  It’s like now that we’re actually getting closer and closer to the time and to having it paid for I think it’s becoming more and more real! Yikes!! But I’m just trusting God! He has everything planned! Keep praying!!

Jett Richard Campbell finally came on Tuesday, April 21st!! The same day as my dad's birthday! He was 9lb 6oz, 20 3/4 inches long! Which may sound big to everyone else, but to us he feels so tiny!! He is absolutely beautiful and he looks so much like his big brother! God has been so good! It is amazing how he already knows how to suck on his paci and how he just uses his little eyes to look right at you. I find myself amazed at even every little noise he makes! I don't think I will ever take for granted all those little things that babies are born knowing! Sometimes when I'm holding him, I can feel myself relieved at even his breathing. I am so thankful for our sweet little man and I can't believe how perfect he is! There are so many things about him that remind me of Jace. Which is bittersweet! I miss him so much and can't keep myself from wondering what everything would be like if he were still here. There aren't words to describe it, there never are. But God continues to heal our broken hearts, I can feel it! I feel it when I'm being silly with my Court. I feel it when I'm holding Jett close and he wraps his hands around my "Jace" necklace. I feel it everyday, in little unexpected things! And God has shown us to have joy again! He is so good! Here are some pictures! Thank you guys for being a part!!

My date for prom!

Two more days...

Well we are so excited to meet our sweet Jett Richard on Tuesday!!! We have been guessing about what he is going to look like for almost nine months now, and I can't wait to actually hold him in my arms! It's going to be such a sweet day! And I just know that God is going to be exactly what each one of us needs Him to be! But in the midst of all the excitement there is still a bit of a bitter taste mixed in with all the sweet. Which seems to be the story with every situation since our sweet Jace went to be with Jesus. I miss him so very much. Little Courtlynn seemed to put it into perfect words this morning when her mama asked her if she was excited to meet her new baby brother... "Yes, but.....I just miss Jace." Which is exactly how all of us feel I think! At bible study today we sang the old hymn "Come Thou Fount" and I just couldn't keep from thinking about my baby angel. There are so many memories that I love, I couldn't possibly even begin! Sometimes I feel like there aren't even words. And I hate feeling like I'm always talking about it... but i mean, what else is there to talk about?! Such a sweet baby, the most beautiful boy I had ever seen.... and he's gone. How can I keep from missing him and talking about him!? And there is so much God has done through all of it... so much that He is still doing! I can't tell you how amazing it is to feel like (and know!) that I've seen and touched the face of God. He is constantly telling me how much He loves me in more ways than I could ever imagine! So it's a little crazy to be in the middle of everything! But... I know I say it every time... God is STILL good! And I have a feeling He will continue to be! Be praying for my sweet family! I will post pictures as soon as I can!! Love you all!

Fasting and praying...

Well I stayed up last night praying for a long time and I really felt like God was telling me to fast from secular music. Which I don't really listen to that much anyway, but I think it's important for me to worship all throughout the day! It helps me stay focused on really spending time with Him. I'm also really trying to remind myself to constantly be asking God for faith when it comes to my whole financial situation.... and I'm still trying to trust! Its just so much easier said than done! But I know that He is much bigger than all of it and I'm going to look back and wonder why I ever even worried! The garage sale is still in progress.... I'm thinking it will be around the end of May. Possibly the 29th and 30th? But I'm not for sure! I'm still working out the details! I recently got invited to my first and only prom! Which was a shock to me! But God provided a dress for $35! YES! Only $35 brand new! And it's gorgeous! So that was indication enough for me that I am meant to go! :) I'm really excited though! It's so sweet of my Jesus to help me make room for special things even in the midst of all this fundraising! He's too good to me! Exactly two weeks from yesterday is baby Jett's birthday! And we are all so excited! I can't wait to meet him! It's hard to predict how it will be though. I'm sure it will be such a sweet time of healing and celebration but I can imagine that it will be hard not to think about the day we met our precious Jace!

I still remember suiting up with Rocky and waiting for what seemed like FOREVER to go into the operating room! We were so sure he'd have dark hair and eyes like his big sister but when they finally shoved him over the sheet he was nothing like any of us could have predicted! ...He was better! Bright blue eyes and soft red hair! I fell in love with that baby the minute he arrived! He was absolutely perfect! I miss him so much it hurts. But God is still good. And I know I say that a lot but He just is. He is going to make it everything we need it to be! It's going to be amazing! Thank you guys for listening and taking the time to read! Keep praying!

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy." (Titus 3:4-5)

Quick update...

I read over my YWAM packet the other night and kind of tried to map out my money situation so here it is... I sent in $1,025 and I have almost another $500 ready to send in! Praise Jesus! But I'm still a little overwhelmed when I look at the grand total of possibly $5,000 to go!!! God is good though! He can see the big picture and I can't! So I am planning to come up with some other fundraising ideas! I am going to talk with Mardel this week about having a bake sale outside of their store? And I want to send out some emails about having people save up some things that they might want to donate to me for a massive garage sale!! Thinking outside the box! There are more ways than one! So keep praying! God is providing!

Trusting God...

Okay so I sent in my first big chunk of money and I'm working on my second one, but I have to be honest... I'm a little worried because it's been a good week since I've gotten anymore in! I'm really trying to trust God with everything, though. I know He is going to provide! It's just so hard to stay positive sometimes and I get so caught up in day-to-day things that I forget to spend time with him and talk to him about things! But the other night we were having worship outside at Bethany Gunn's house, and the weather was so amazingly perfect!!! And for the first time in a long time I really felt God's presence. I felt Him touch my cheek and He said "Trust Me." And can I just tell you how much I love it when He does that kind of stuff? Because, it's so romantic! I swear, my heart skipped a beat! I can't imagine a man on this earth that could touch me like that and say anything to me and take my breath away like He does! He doesn't exist!! God is just too good! He just knows when I need him the most, doesn't he? So, I'm continuing to learn to trust Him with everything! And I'm trying to remember that He has always been faithful to me, and He always will be.

I'm kind of discouraged today. Just about everything, I guess. Money, friends, family, life... I don't know. It's kind of hard when you realize that everything you thought was so important just isn't anymore. And I guess I should have realized that by now. I think you just have days, you know? I missed Jace today... but when do I not? Sometimes I get into the swing of life and it's almost like I forget. But reality is always there to remind me. And it's nothing you can really explain. You just see his perfect little face in your mind and the memories play back like a movie clip, over and over... and all you want to do is curl up with a blanket, and you think that maybe if you lay there long enough you'll be able to smell him again or remember what his little giggle was like. Because what in the world could be any better than that? Im just trying to embrace all the good things I still have. I have my Courtsie and the rest of my family that loves and cares about me. But what is it about pain that seems to lock you in this place where no matter how hard you try, it seems like you just can't stop thinking about that one thing that you lost? That one person... that sweet baby boy. Will it ever go away? Part of me, I think, hopes not! Because I don't want to forget even an inch of him. And I don't think I ever will. How could I? How could anyone that ever looked into his icy blue eyes? So I'm trusting you, God. With the small things and the big ones.... but no one said it was going to be easy.

I missed my boy yesterday. Sometimes I just have days when no matter what I do I can't get his precious face out of my mind. And the memories are still so fresh. Part of me hopes they always stay that way. I remember every inch of him. What it felt like to hold him in my arms. But when I look back, it was more like he was holding me. Especially that last day in the swimming pool. I held him for what felt like an eternity! And no matter what, I will never forget the feeling of his little body relaxing into mine. He trusted me. He needed me. And so often, now, I find myself needing him. In fact even when he was here I'd have days that I would get this longing to hold him or even just kiss him. So, I'd make my way to Lydia's house and I'd stay there for hours lying on the floor with him, helping feed him, or putting his jammies on him. (Jammies are my favorite!) And I think thats when it hurts the most. When I get that longing, just like before... only he's not here anymore. I ran into a girl the other day that I hadn't seen in probably a year and she asked me "How's Jace?" And right there in the middle of McAlister's I had to say what is forever on my mind, out loud. The words seemed to sort of slap me in the face. "He passed away in July." It's like, I'm always thinking about that fact... But it does something to you when you have to say it. And it doesn't seem like enough. Like it would have been more appropriate to scream it or start balling right there because that sentence can't even begin to express the reality of my every day. And if this is the reality of my every day then I can't imagine what it's like for my sister and brother-in-law. And that thought, alone, brings me to my knees in awe of their strength and courage! I can't say how proud I am of them. And I look at them and it just blows me away. That through our "little healer" God is graciously healing our hearts. Because no matter how good we think we're doing there is always something that needs healing. So today God is comforting me. And in the midst of all of this pain... He is still good.

Coming Along

So i found the pictures from when me, mom and dad visited the facility in colorado... Pretty amazing! I can't imagine what it will be like to wake up every morning to these immaculate mountains! They truly are beautiful! It's so amazing to think about our God and how he made this beautiful world just because he loves us! It makes me think about that song by Kim Walker "How He Loves" and it's so sweet to realize how much he really does just love us! No matter where we are, or what we've done! He is so very good! I've started to collect money and its coming along! I'm getting more and more excited! I think it still seems a little surreal. I was thinking the  other day about when we drive there... they will have some kind of banquet dinner to welcome the new students and my parents will stay the night and then the next morning they'll catch a plane and I'll be there all alone! Well I'm never alone, but I'm sure it will be hard to say goodbye to a pretty big chapter of my life and start a new one. I know that God is even using this time to prepare me for everything. It's gonna be so crazy to 

leave everyone behind! Like every monday me and my two best friends go running and we just talk about everything going on in our lives! I'll miss them so much! And by the time I get back Amanda will be in college and Bethany will have graduated hair school and who knows 

what she'll be doing!? But I'm just trusting God to help me let everyone go, and be ready for things to be completely different when I get home. I'm such a planner that it kills me to not be able to plan out my future and know what will happen and what everything is going to be like, but I guess thats part of my journey God's taking me on too! Just learning how to trust him with everything and knowing that he has it all planned out! Bailey and I went to see a movie last week while my parents were out of town and it was a blast! We had so much fun taking 

pictures in the car and blaring the music! She's growing up so fast! But I guess we all are! Lydia is about to have baby number three and I can't wait to see him! He's going to be so perfect! And even though there are all these exciting things going on I can't help but feel the bitter part of it all, too. Because, while this is going to be awesome, there will be so much that I will miss here at home. My mom and dad, Bailey, Andrew and Cat, Lydia and rocky, Courtlynn and Jett, and all my friends. I can't help but be a little sad. What will I do without my Courtsie dates or my monday morning runs with my best girls? And what about wednesdays when I hang out with Lyds? Or almost every evening when I climb into my parents bed with bailey and the four of us laugh hysterically until we can't keep our eyes open!? The family, I think, is God's greatest gift! And I am so comfortable here. I love my family and friends more than anything. But it's time for me to take the hand of my King and trust that he's going to take me just where he wants me to be! And that He will never leave me! I just have to keep reminding myself that it's only for six months and it's going to be amazing! God is so good and he works all things out for the good of those who love him! Keep praying!

Moving Forward...

I put together my support letters and I got almost all of them out. I've thought of a few more people I need to send one to, but for the most part I've got it done. I also received my packing list in the mail last week! It was pretty much letting me know things like what the weather will be like, how much it costs to do laundry, values and policies, curfew, what my schedule will be like... and everything else you could imagine! It makes it a little more exciting. And I think I'm beginning to look at myself more as an adult than a little girl. Which is weird! But God is doing something amazing, I can feel it! Which is probably why I can feel the enemy working, too. He's been whispering doubts like "Are you really spiritual enough to be doing something like this? Won't you be out of place? What if you're not like everyone else there? What if they think you're a horrible person for listening to secular music, or wearing a lot of makeup, or dressing the way you do?" But I'm learning how to choose to hear what God says about me. I know that no matter how I look or seem to be, God sees who I really am. He sees my heart. And he loves me the way I am. Because, after all, I am his masterpiece. I'm realizing, more and more, that life is really about trusting God with everything, rather than being consumed with looking the way a christian should look. I mean, Do I really want to spend the rest of my life trying to live up to something that can't possibly be obtained? Or do I simply want to live loved by my king, laying down my life for those around me to bring glory to his name?  So, I'm moving forward towards this amazing journey God has planned for me. And I knew it wouldn't be easy! But this is only the beginning! Be praying for the voice of truth to be so loud that I can't even hear the enemy! God is so good! 

Accepted!!

Well, I got a call last thursday from the YWAM staff telling me that I was Accepted! They're sending me my packing list in the mail and I'm expected to start raising my money and turning it in on a regular basis. Honestly, I knew that if I was accepted it had to be where God wanted me... and I know it is. I'm just so nervous. It's a scary thought that I'll be there without my family and close friends, and I'm sure I'll make friends but I've never been good at it. I'm just praying for the peace of God in all things. It seems like everyday I see, even more, how blessed I am here. I took my sweet courtsie on a date the other day to have tea and then to get ice cream. While we were sitting at the Inspirations Tea Room I was watching her stir her tea and scoop it into her mouth with a spoon, when she looked up at me and smiled and said "Tell me a story Bethy!" And I can't explain how much I loved her right then... how much I always love her! And maybe thats scary too, knowing that for six months my whole life will be different. It won't revolve around my family anymore, but rather my Jesus. Which is good for me, i guess... it will be an adventure. Just kind of scary. The other day I remembered one morning, I think about a year ago, when Jace and Courtlynn had spent the night with us. My mom had stayed up most of the night, probably watching Jace breathe, and woke me up at about six. She had been trying to get him to drink his thickened milk and he wouldn't take it. But when I picked him up and put it in his mouth he started drinking. He had gotten to where he would only take it from lydia and I, and that morning... he needed me. I often find myself thinking about his beautiful blue eyes and curly red hair, and just needing him. I loved the way he grabbed at my shirt when I'd hold him close, or the way he slept with his mouth open. My favorite thing to do was trace the curves of his little face with my finger, or kiss those perfect lips. Sometimes I wonder if life will ever be better again. And while I do believe that God will continue to heal my heart and the hearts of my family, I think I am forever changed because of my baby angel. And, yet, God is still good. He's always been faithful to me. And even though I'm nervous about this next part of my journey with him, I know that He is always with me. 

Okay, so this is where my future lies... well for six months at least. It's beautiful isn't it? I'm so excited, but still really nervous at the same time! I know God has something really amazing in store for me though. Right now I'm just trying to make the most of everyday, spending as much time with my family as I can. Because, come september (If I make it in!), I won't see them except for pictures on the computer! I don't know what I'll do without my Courtsie! Or without everyone else, for that matter! But God is still good! He always is! I feel like I have so much to do to get ready for everything, preparing for YWAM and college at the same time. But somehow I have a peace about everything. We've been praying for a car for me because were not sure the one I have now will be safe enough to drive down there. And I'll need some sort of GPS, otherwise who knows where I'd end up!? And I'll need a laptop if I want to stay in touch with everyone and keep this blog up! Not to mention all the money I'll need to pay for YWAM... and college, when I get home! All this and I have a peace! God will provide! He always does! Be praying for me!