Two years old...

On August 14, 2007 I watched little Jace Richard Campbell come into this world. I remember suiting up and waiting for the nurse to come and tell us we could go in. Rocky and I were so excited, we could hardly wait! But once we got inside the operating room, it all happened so fast. A life began right in front of my eyes.. a life that I had no idea would one day, all too soon, mean more to me than I could ever imagine. I feel like words are just not enough. I was happy to celebrate Jace's birthday. Happy that he was more happy than we even know. But so much of it is bitter. The memories are happy, but they always have the pain at the end.

My favorite memory I have of him, before he got sick, was one day when Lydia had taken Court out to do something fun and I had stayed with Jace and Rocky. I remember getting him out of the bathtub and putting his lotion on (he hated lotion) so by the time I had him all lathered up, he was pretty upset with me. So I picked him up and held him close, and I told him "It's okay, Beth's here" and then I sang him his Byo's (his favorite lullaby) swaying back and forth. After I calmed him down I put his little "Admi - (red)" onesie on from BabyGap, and I played with him in his exersaucer. He was so happy. But, he was always happy!

I couldn't stop thinking about him... his handsome little smile, what it felt like to hold him in my arms. And then we wrote him notes, tied them to balloons, and let them go. And a small part of me thinks "why?" He should be here, walking around on his wabbly legs. Today should be happy. Eating Birthday cake should be fun. But, it wasn't. I didn't want any Birthday cake. I wanted to take a picture with my Niece and BOTH of my nephews. But instead I took a picture with Courtlynn and Jett by Jace's headstone. Sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes I just can't understand.

Last week I took Courtlynn on a date, and before we ate I started to pray. But she stopped me and said "I'll pray!" and she literally took me away... "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me to understand. Amen." I think God knew how much I would need that prayer for this particular day. Sometimes we DON'T understand. And, honestly, it's okay with me if I don't. I can rest in the arms of God, knowing that He has everything under control. And it's okay to be sad, sometimes. It's okay to not understand, and maybe wonder why things turned out this way... wonder why they couldn't be different. God is just that good.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for I will comfort them."

Happy 2nd Birthday my baby angel. We miss you and love you so very much!