I read this quote today and thought of how I struggled so in Vic and I's relationship. I struggled from the beginning to explain things away.. like I continue to struggle to do and not do. The way we chose to do things was much different from what I had always pictured.. and much different from what everyone who had watched me grow up had in mind. And just for the record, I'm not talking about color. Vic was color blind. And I'm convinced that I am too. In fact, I've always been crazy about the colors of our hands intertwined. No, I'm referring to something much much more visceral. I had a hard time living in the moment.. not "trying to prove that making islands of myself was the truest form of courage." I needed everyone to know that even though it looked different than what everyone had expected... it was good! It was sweet and precious. And my heart was burning with love for a man I never dreamed would change my view of life so much. I was stubborn and sure of myself. I never dreamed ANYONE could change my view of life. As I look back on so many of our arguments on this subject I realize one thing about my heart then.. I was so busy trying to paint a picture for everyone else that would make them feel comfortable and OK about our relationship, that I was missing it. I was missing the sweetness. I was so worried about what everyone else was thinking about us together that I was missing the "together" part. Vic never cared what people thought of us.. in that sense anyway. We shared what we shared. And he was fine with it just like that. He didn't need to post pictures of us and all the fun things we were doing. He didn't care if anyone knew where he took me to dinner on friday night or what I got him for christmas. He was brave and full. He was all in. All there. Just like he said. He went through patches in our relationship where he worried about what the people who were close to me thought of him.. and he would try to reach out and let them know that he took care of me and he loved me. But it was never worth it. All it ever ended up being was "all this time, all this effort wasted." I see now. I see so much more now than I did then. I was foolish and silly. Why did I care so much? I filled my heart so with worry and stress about what everyone else thought that I didn't have room to feel what I really felt for a tall brown-eyed man who absolutely adored me in a way I never understood. I never met another person like Vic. He was his own breed. And there's still so much I'm sure he never shared with me.. but oh how I drank up what he did choose to show me of his amazing heart. He was a dreamer. He had enough ambitions for a whole football team of men. And he never once doubted that he would reach them all. He lived in the moment, every moment. He lived each day with passion and joy. He chose to see the sweetness of life and found adventure where I couldn't. And he had that same passion and bravery in his relationship with me. He found something I never could find; the courage to look me in the eye and say those four words.. "I belong to you." And he did. He belonged to me and I to him. But he was much better at belonging than me.
Today we celebrated thanksgiving at my parents house. And I can't help but hear the echo of his voice here in this home. It filled this room last year. He participated in our family traditions because they meant so much to me. He even put the star on top of the christmas tree. And now I'm holding his stocking in my hands.. the one with his name on it that hung next to mine last year at my parents house. My parents filled it with little candies and cologne and chap stick and things. He slept on the couch on christmas eve to wake up and have christmas morning with me at my parents house like I always did growing up. When we hung the stockings today my sister asked me what I wanted to do with his this year? Did I want to take it home with me? Or did I want to hang it up with mine? And I felt that hole in my chest again. The one that's always there.. but I sometimes manage to stuff it with cotton, long enough to forget how empty I am. "And it'll just be empty?" I said. I don't know how to do this. And considering my life.. and my story so far.. I really should have the hang of it by now. But I don't. I don't have a clue how to move forward. I know Vic would want me to. He always made me talk with him about morbid things like who would I pick for him if I died.. and who he'd pick for me if he died. I'd always start crying like a big dork and tell him I didn't want anybody else. And he'd assure me that was silly and that he wouldn't want me to be lonely. But lonely is an understatement. Sometimes it hits me hard and I'm overwhelmed by the reality of it all. So much so that I truly can't believe it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he is gone forever. I won't get a text or call from him again. He won't ever hide in the kitchen to wait for me to come around the corner and scare the hell out of me.. then roll around the tile laughing like a big jerk. :) He won't ever teach me kickboxing again or call me just to tell me he loves me. He won't ever be there when I get home.. with a movie in the dvd player waiting for me with popcorn.. already asleep. I won't ever fall asleep on his chest again, with his arms around me, playing with his ear lobe. He won't ever pin me down and lick my entire face to completely infuriate me while he laughs harder than I've ever seen him laugh. And I want to scream. I want to dig my nails deep into something.. pull my hair out and throw things. I can't stand it. Empty stockings and empty beds. I whisper, "I miss you" and it echoes in the silence. So much silence. I think I'm losing it. People say to me that they don't know how I do it.. and I want to say, "I don't either." In fact, I don't know that I AM doing it. I'm just... here. And I'm mad. I'm mad that this is my story. I'm sick that he was so good and such an amazing man and he'll never get to be all the things he wanted to be. I'm mad at myself for not being brave like he was. I'm mad at myself for being so caught up in so much that never mattered. I'm mad that I didn't make the most of my time with him. I'm mad at time, because there wasn't enough.. and now there's too much. I'm mad at everyone else who made me feel like I needed to explain things away. Everyone who I was afraid I would lose if they didn't see Vic for who he was and how he loved me. And I'm most mad that so so many never got to. And now they never will. It just feels like a crap life. And I'm just slithering through each day.. hoping I can find maybe just one reason to smile.
Today I'm remembering a set of fingers in between mine.. and how the colors of each finger next to the other made my heart flutter a little more than normal. The feeling of those same fingers in my hair or thumbs on my cheeks. The feeling of running my hands across his head just after he'd had a haircut and the way he shaved his face and left that little tuft of hair on his chin. His favorite dark blue button up and how he always held his arms out for me to roll the sleeves for him. The way his eyes disappeared when he laughed really hard at something.. and how he'd throw his head back and cover his mouth. Short shorts. :) And his obsession with paradigm apparel. The way he watched cartoons on saturdays and ate poptarts literally like a child. And the way he looked at me when he was telling me how much he loved me. The way my skin smelled like him when I'd drive home late from Stillwater when we first started dating.. and how I couldn't stop sniffing my own arms and hands all the way. Details. The way he was dressed on our first date and where he took me and what we ate. Him carrying me up the stairs on his back in the cold. And all our late night chik-fil-a runs to try and catch them just before they closed. The bonfire he made me last winter when it was snowing.. and the way he laid out blankets and pillows for us to lay together and look at the stars. He's my other half, I'm sure of it now. I can't believe he's gone. And I can't believe I have a whole life ahead of me without him. I don't know what tomorrow will feel like, but I know what today feels like. And today, I am still his and he is still mine. I think of the last time I laid eyes on him and touched his face and hands and kissed his lips.. it's not right. It's awful. It's so many broken pieces of my heart in so many places. It's cold and stiff and empty. But it's real. I used to love real things. I used to say it all the time. But today.. I don't love real things. I can't handle real anymore. I'm out of words. And even after all this typing it still feels painfully short of explaining how shattered I feel today. And again.. I don't know what comes after this, but I ache to believe that he and I will be together again. Until then.. one day at a time, I guess.