Sweetly Broken...

I'm so sorry I haven't written... it has been so busy! But I can not even explain what all God has begun to do in me. I can't believe we are starting week six! It's going by so fast!! And there is so much that God has already opened my eyes to!

All of our weeks look the same for the most part. We have a new speaker every week (this week it's going to be our lovely DTS school leader, Jen!). Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we have about one and a half to two hours of "Worship and Intercession" starting at 8:30! Then starting at 10:30 we have a two hour lecture and lunch at 12:30. Everyday, from 1:30 to 3:30, we have what's called a "work duty" where they place us around the base doing whatever they need us to do! The first week, we were each assigned to work duties, and God totally knows me.. I work in the nursery! (Best job ever! He loves me THAT much!) Then, most days, from 3:30 to 5:30 we have another two hour lecture. But after that we have dinner and mostly free time to hang out or do work that we've been assigned to! We have a set of books that we are required to read and turn in book reports on, and each week we have to creatively reflect on what we've learned with our "one-on-one". My one-on-one is probably one of my favorite parts of my week! We have a certain staff leader that was assigned to us, that is here just to help us talk through things and process what we're learning! And then weekends are free! But no matter how much free time I have, I always find myself looking for more! There is just so much to be done! Reading, book reports, quiet times... But it is so good, and God has so much in store!

There is so much going on in my head at the moment. The first week God really showed me some things about where my heart was about Jace. He made me realize that for the past year I hadn't let myself be honest about how it really made me feel. I kept myself so busy that I hadn't dealt with much, really. He showed me that I can tell Him that it makes me angry and confused, that I don't understand how this could happen. And it was really freeing to be able to let that all go. It's like when your mad at someone you're close to (maybe a best friend?) but you don't feel like bringing it all up, so you just pretend that everything is fine.. when in reality your just making it worse by not being honest with that person. But, at the same time, it's brought up a lot of things that I never imagined could exist inside me. I realize that this is where my trust issues come from. I find myself confused about who God is... and who He is to me. How am I supposed to look at Him? And my heart is to know Him for who He is! But, on one end I know Him as a good God who loves me with all of His heart. A God that wants to be with me, wants to give me everything He can, wants to hold my hand... play with my hair. But then, there is this other side of me that is so confused. God, if You're so good then how could this happen? I thought You wanted the best for me? You promised me! How could things go from being so good to being so bad? How could You take him away from us after You promised that he would be healed? How can I trust You after that? And why? Why Jace? Or why NOT Jace? How can You heal some little babies but You wouldn't heal Jace? And the questions go on and on. I never knew that all this was even inside of me! And it is a daily struggle that I am going through... wrestling with God about all these issues. But I feel like in a weird way, it's brought us closer. He is proud of me, that I'm willing to be honest and work through it all. It sucks. And when I'm thinking about it so often.. I'm thinking about Jace a lot. The memories will just randomly flood in, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Good memories. Bad memories. Memories, nonetheless, of a little baby boy that meant more to me than words can say. But what I realize, is that when I miss him, God misses him with me. And when I feel like there is no one who understands, He understands. And when I weep, He weeps with me. And no matter how blurred my vision may be at this moment in my life, God is loving me through it. He is doing more in me than perhaps I would have hoped! But I know that it's going to be so worth it in the end! I am determined to get over the sun, and really know my God for who He is. Keep praying!!!