Memories..

Today I drove past a cemetery and saw a burial going on.. There were people gathered around. And for a moment, everything was still. Death. I am forever altered. The word "death" isn't just a word anymore. It's a memory.. and one memory brings another, and another. And before you know it there is a rush of memories.. good and bad, sad and happy, carefree and painstaking. When I'm driving and I pull over to let an ambulance through, I go back. Way back. Those red and blue lights flashing. But mostly red. When I hear those three letters.. "ICU"... I smell the hand sanitizer, the face masks.. all the tubes. Hopelessness. Defeat. Like.. the air has been knocked out of me. I hear the beeping of the monitors, The lullabies.. the books. Hours and hours of just sitting.. watching. Waiting. Hoping. Praying. And then there he is. His little face. Which brings me to another memory. Waking up early and driving to the hospital.. Anxiousness, excitement. Fellowship. Laughter. Surprise! A beautiful baby boy. Bright red hair. Icy blue eyes. Perfection. Privilege. Gratitude. Joy.

Who am I to deserve this? Any of it? Even the really sucky stuff? "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Who, on earth, is "good people"? Definitely not me. That's for sure. What makes a good person? How should I know? I'm just a small human. Tiny. I only have significance because of my Maker. Who am I to say who's good and who's bad? And, for that matter, who am I to say what I deserve and what I don't deserve? It's a lot to think about. So complex. But, at the same time, so simple. Rest. Remember surrender?

"Remember surrender?
Remember the rest?
Remember that weight lifting off of your chest?
And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was?
Remember surrender?
Remember relief?
Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks
As the warmth of a Heavenly Father came closing in?
I want to do that again.
Why can't I live there
And make my home
In sweet surrender?
I want to do so much more than remember.
Remember surrender?
Remember peace?
Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep?
In the face of your troubles your future still shone like the morning sun.
Remember surrender?
Remember that sound
Of all of those voices inside dying down?
But One who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within." -Sara Groves

Isn't it relieving that we don't have to know? That we don't have to try and figure it out? We just have to trust. Rest. Be.

So far to go..

Life is weird. They say that YWAM will ruin you for the good... and I think I see it now. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating here. I feel like I should be DOING more. This is my home, and I never want to live anywhere else. But I want to be using my time well. I want to be serving, ministering to the lives of others, sharing the Love of Jesus. It's what makes me feel alive. And it's what I was made to do. Everything else just feels like a waste of my time. It's like the clock is ticking in both of my ears and every minute that passes is a minute that I'll never get back. What am I living for? Not just what's my religion? or What church do I go to? What am I LIVING for? Why did I get up today? Why do I run 4-5 miles a day? Why do I volunteer at ministries? Why do I go out of my way to make sure the people I care about KNOW that I love them and would do anything for them? What was I made for?

It's a crazy life when this is going through your mind all the time. But I'd rather it be this... it could be What am I gonna do on friday night? or When am I gonna get those jeans I wanted? or When am I gonna FINALLY get a boyfriend? or Why didn't he like me? What does she have that I don't? ..but is that really what I care about? Maybe sometimes. But, ultimately, when I let those things consume me.. I let the world consume me. I feel like God stands by and watches me.. weeping.

When I think about creation and how God created Woman... I think about myself. I am needy. I need to know that people WANT me.. that they want to be with me, that they think I am beautiful. I long to have someone who dotes on me. I dream of having someone who watches all the little things I do and loves me deeply. Someone who wants to spend his life with me.. Isn't that who God is? He isn't man or woman, male or female. He's God. But He's begun to show me how He and I are alike. He wants to know that He is wanted. He wants to know that I want to be with Him. He wants to know that I think about Him daily. He wants to know that I find Him beautiful.

So, where is all this all going? Heck if I know! This is how my brain works! But I am continuing to ask God what it is that He is revealing to me. I feel alive when He's teaching me something. I have so far to go. I hardly know anything. But He is my father, my best friend, my groom. He loves me deeply and WANTS me. Even if no one else does, yet. I have to find significance in that, right? Meaning. Purpose. I am God's desire. I am His bride. So then.. if anything matters, then everything matters.

Re-adjusted.. I think

So I've been home for almost two months now.. and things have changed a little since my last post. I started to re-think SBS and have been really trying to hear God about things. Last week I did something crazy and I visited Oklahoma City Community College! And this week I'm doing something even crazier and visiting OSU-OKC! I am looking at getting my associates degree in nursing. It's crazy, I know. But let's just back up about, oh nine months or so and look at things. When Jace got sick and was in the PICU for about ten days, God really stirred in me a passion for nursing. I wanted to be a nurse that brings hope and peace into the rooms of my patients and a nurse who is always looking for opportunities to share God's love. And since I've been home He's been reminding me of that passion. I would love to work in the PICU or even as a Labor and Delivery Nurse. And I believe that no matter where I am God will use me to minister to people. In the grand scheme of things.. all I really want is what He wants. I belong to Him. And He knows better than I do. I still don't know for sure what will happen, and I hesitate to even try to plan things out.. because I know they usually don't work out the way I plan. But, maybe I will be in school in the fall? Who knows? I feel a little flaky, because I said I was going to do one thing and now I'm saying another.. but honestly I don't know! It's an adventure! Right here in Oklahoma! Isn't it amazing how God always keeps us guessing..? I think it's kind of fun that way!

In the meantime.. :) I've been hanging out with my sweet family and a few friends and God somehow keeps my attention to teach me more things! I have been volunteering at a ministry called "All Things Baby" twice a week. Women (and sometimes men) come into our office, needing baby supplies. Diapers, clothing, shoes, toys.. anything! You name it! I get them signed in and in the computer system and then they are sent back to get set up and prayed for. I absolutely love it, and am so glad God can still use me even though it may feel small. My weeks are pretty crazy. Sometimes I'm super busy and sometimes I have a lot of time on my hands.. which I usually spend playing with my niece and nephew and hanging out with my sisters. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me next and hopefully I will know soon! ;)

Home Again..

I'm finally home! I've been here for about two weeks and things have changed fast! When I first got here I had a friend from DTS come home with me for about a week. So I took her all around to fun places and showed her what I could of Oklahoma.. and then she went home. Which, I think, is when reality sort of set in. I remember I drove her to the airport and dropped her off and then came home. And when I got home no one was there. Everyone at my house has work and school. So I literally sat on my bed and stared at the wall for 20 minutes. I can't explain what it felt like. For the past six months I was going going going. And all of the sudden I don't really have anywhere I need to be or anything I even HAVE to do. I started cleaning things and trying to find things to do to fill my time, because otherwise I was going to sit there and think about how much I miss it. And I do. I miss the atmosphere of people just seeking God's face 24/7. That's what we existed for the last six months.. and it was absolutely amazing. I miss worship and intercession three times a week... but not just ANY worship. The kind where you're on your face weeping in awe of who God is. And I learned so much.. I think now it's just a matter of learning how to take it and put it into my everyday life. And it's really hard. As time has started going by I realize how easy it is to get caught up in routine and schedules... and I forget how much I love spending time with my Jesus. In the car, today, I turned the music off and just listened to His voice and talked to Him about a lot of different things. And then I wanted to cry because I loved it so much... and I couldn't believe I had gone so many days without listening and spending time just hanging out with Him.. praising Him. I love Him more than I can say. And it's been such a blessing to have come this far, and have had the opportunity to dedicate these last few months to Him and just letting myself fall in love with Him. My relationship with Him has grown so much deeper.. and I know He wants to teach me so much more. I'm pretty sure I'm working towards going back in January of 2011! I want to take the SBS (School of Biblical Studies) where they take nine months and go through the entire bible and just pick it apart. Then it has a three month outreach.. so it would be a year long. Which is a long time to leave my home and my family again. But I can't think of anything I could possibly want more right now. I wasn't created to just exist. I was created for adventure! And that's God's desire for me! And, now, His desire is mine. I almost can't remember what I wanted before all of this! All I want now is to take Him by the hand and go where He will lead me! And I'm pretty sure He's told me the next adventure is SBS!

But this last week God has really opened my eyes to see how easy it is for me to spend all my time thinking about the past and future. (The future A LOT!!) I'm excited about where He's taking me and what He wants to do! And DTS was amazing.. and I can easily spend a lot of time missing it.. and missing the people there. But I'm not in either of those places. I'm here. In Edmond, Oklahoma. And I'm so glad to be home. I absolutely love my family.. and I've missed them so very much. Everyday with them is precious to me. And I'm spending all the time I can with them! God is teaching me to love with all my heart. And it's an adventure, here, too! Because it's where God has placed me for the next ten months. And so I will choose to BE here, putting my heart into everything I do and continuing to let God teach me things! What a blessing that He's gracefully opening my eyes.. and continuing to reveal Himself to me! I'm so glad to be home!

Amazing Love

Exactly one week from today I will arrive back in Colorado Springs! The time has flown by.. just like I was told it would. But at the same time it feels like I’ve been here forever. I miss my family and my home. I miss Oklahoma! I miss driving my car through the streets of Edmond. I miss my friends and spending time with my sisters. But God has done so much through this trip and He has shaken things inside of me. I woke up this morning thinking about what a blast it has been.. me and my Jesus, hand in hand, as He shows me the world and where His heart is. His heart is in Phnom Penh, Cambodia at a little AIDS Orphanage where abandoned children fight for attention and acceptance everyday. It’s in Bangkok, Thailand breaking for the lost men who wander the streest of Nana Plaza looking for something that can’t be found. It’s in a little secluded village in the province of Chiangmai where the people live there with their families, working in the soy bean fields day in and day out.. for what? It’s in a little stretch of bars in downtown Chiangmai where the bargirls are selling themselves to make money to send home to their families.. they push their dreams aside and tell themselves that there is no other way. And I think.. Me? He chose me? What an honor, that He trusted me with this!

Right now we are in Pattaya, Thailand teaching a free english class for the bargirls who want to learn. And we have three days left until we finally get to go to the island where we will debrief for a few days before we head back to the States.. and it’s so easy to just want to give up now. We’re almost done. We’re tired. It’s been way too hot for way too long, and we just want to go home. And that’s how I’ve felt for the past few days... until today. I taught english for the first time this morning, and we start off with a prayer and then we just sit with the women while the English teacher teaches from the front, and in between new vocabulary we are given a page with the list of words on it and we are to quiz them throughout the calss. Then at the end of the class, one of our girls brought her guitar out and played a song that we had written in english and thai so that they could sing along, while learning new words. The song was Amazing Love, and we sang it first in english and then they sang it in thai as we listened...

“I’m forgiven, because You were forsaken. I’m accepted.. You were condemned. And I’m alive and well, Your spirit lives within me because You died and rose again. Amazing Love, how can it be? That You, my King, would die for me? Amazing Love, I know it’s true. And it’s my joy to honor You. In all I do, I honor You.”

Now, I’m probably gonna sound kind of sappy..silly.. cleche.. whatever you want to call it. But God really spoke to me through this. I looked around the room and listened to these broken women singing of their forgiveness and of God’s great love for them in their own language. They didn’t even understand the weight of what they were singing about. The truth that was ringing out from the open windows of that building, down the streets and into the bars and massage parlors. Who IS this King of glory? How amazing is God when He can cause a gathering of bargirls in the middle of one of the harshest streets of bars in the city of Pattaya and have them singing of His Amazing Love and forgiveness. They don’t even know Him. After the song we prayed a covering over all the women together and then asked if anyone would like to be prayed for one-on-one and I watched one woman raised her hand. One of the Thai staff stood over her chair and put her hands on top of her head and began praying for her in Thai. I don’t know what she was saying, but the woman had tears rolling down her cheeks... and so did I. Who was she? What’s her story? What horrible things has she seen or been through? What kind of fear does she live with? Does she have hope for anything? I’m just a small American girl. I can’t speak their language or relate to the things they’ve been through. But the Holy Spirit lives in me. And He knows her. He knows about the day she was born and how she grew up. He knows how she got stuck working in the redlight district and He knows the desires of her heart. And He loves her.. exactly the same as He loves me. His heart breaks for her hoplessness and lonliness. And in that moment He gave me just a small glimpse of His heart for these women. What a blessing for me to get to play just a small part in God’s huge plan to bring His truth to the lost and broken. When I got home He gave me this verse and song as a promise...

“The sufferings we have now are nothing, compared to the great glory that will be shown to us.” Romans 8:18

“He will allure her. He will pursue her, call her out to wilderness with flowers in His hand. She is responding, beat up and hurting, deserving death. But offerings of life are found instead. She will sing, she will sing, oh to You. She will sing, as in the days of youth. As you lead her away to valleys low.. oh to acres of hope. Here in the valley, walk close beside me. Don’t look back. For, love is growing vineyards up ahead. You have called me Master, and though your in the dark here call me Friend, and call me Lover. Marry me for good. She will sing, she will sing, oh to You. She will sing as in the days of youth, and as You lead her away to valleys low.. to acres of hope. How the story ends is love and tenderness in Him.. not safe, but worth it. So worth it.”

-Acres of Hope by Shane and Shane

So this is our last bit of ministry, then we are going to rest on a little island while we debrief and then we are coming home! Pray for perseverance through the enemy’s plan to discourage us and keep us from finishing what we’ve started. I love you guys and I will be home so soon!

What Do I Know?

Well we have a little over two more weeks, here in Thailand. And God is doing so much in me. Right now we are just working everyday in a nursery, doing childcare. I love it. It makes me miss all my babies at home. But not too much longer.. and I really want to put my all into these last few weeks. Things have gotten rough. I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard to be around the same 16 people nonstop for two and a half months. I’m asking God everyday for His abundant grace and love to flow through me. And He is faithful. He has taught me so much more than I could have even imagined.. and He continues to do so. It certainly has been an adventure.. hard sometimes. But this week He is teaching me of His great Love. I don’t think words will even do it justice. I’ve missed Jace the past few days... and I’ve begun to feel like parts of his memory are slipping away from me. I can’t remember what his little giggle sounded like.. or exactly what his skin smelled like.. or how it felt to run my fingers through his hair. To an extent I sort of can... but not the way I wish I could. If that makes any sense? And I don’t know, really, where I’m going with all of this... but I’ve realized that I am still struggling with two big questions.. “If He is so big, then why do horrible things happen?” and “God, if You are so mighty, then why didn’t you do something?” And I don’t think I will ever get an answer. I don’t understand. I can’t. But I’m tired of being His judge. I don’t want to judge God anymore. I want to know Him for who He is.

“I made You promises a thousand times. I’ve tried to hear from heaven, but I talk the whole time. I think I made You too small. I’ve never feared You at all... no. If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You? What do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. But those were only empty words on a page... then I caught a glimpse of who You might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees. So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame and a God who gave life it’s name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your namne on earth and heaven above.. what do I know of this Love? So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? Lord what do I know? What do I know of Holy?” -What Do I Know of You? -Addison Road

So... I’ve been listening to this song over and over. And really trying to SEE God’s face. What DO I know of Him? Not much. And definatley not enough to judge the way He runs the world. But I do know that He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. And He loves Jace just the same. So it’s back to trusting Him. Trusting Him with... well... everything. And letting Him be with me when I’m sad. I’m ready to let Him heal me with every tear that I cry for Jace. And I don’t know exactly what that looks like... but I guess I don’t have to.

The Village...

My team and I just returned from a three day experience in a little Chiangmai village. We paired up and lived two people to a home. The families welcomed us into their houses and served us non-stop for three days... washing our laundry, taking us to the market, cooking us meals, and so much more! I noticed how our teammates were all calling their house parents their OWN parents. One of the girls would say "My mom braided my hair today!" It was the sweetest thing! Everyday we had the privilege of working along-side the village people in the soy bean farms, spreading fertilizer. In the mornings we would start at about 8am and the fields were absolutely beautiful, covered in fog! It was rough at certain points.. but something I will never forget!

While I was there, I wasn't able to talk with any of my family... or anyone other than my teammates for that matter! And I think God really showed me some things. He showed me that I haven't been as focused on Him as I should be. I've been easily distracted by "what ifs" and ultimately... the future. I realized yesterday, when I was walking through the Village taking pictures that most of my time is spent thinking about what's next. It's like a fairy tale in my head... 24/7. Which, I don't think there's anything wrong with fairy tales. In fact, I think God loves for us to daydream about the things He has in store for us... but what I had to ask myself was "Is it keeping me from drawing nearer to Him?" And I think the answer is yes. Why ARE certain things about my future so fresh in my mind so much of the time? Because they are promises that God has made to me. They are things that I'm excited for... things that I want with everything in my heart. But I think, more than that, I have a hard time trusting God with them. I think I hold on to them so tightly because... ultimately.. I'm afraid that maybe I won't get them. Trust. That's what it all comes down to. Trusting God with the little things.. and the big things. I don't really have a conclusion or an answer, even. But I know this.. God is teaching me that I CAN trust Him. He has things for me that I can't even daydream big enough! All I have to do is relax and enjoy the things that are in front of me right now. Otherwise I will miss out, big time!

The MST Project

Well here we are in Bangkok, Thailand working with the Male Sex Tourism Project. And, just like I thought, it is indescribable. We wait outside of what's called Nana Plaza and we ask the men who walk by if they would like to answer a few questions for the survey we are doing. And it never fails to start a deep conversation about faith and beliefs. I have only done the surveys once, and hope to do them again. I had a conversation with a man about satisfaction. When I asked him what his personal faith background was he said "nothing." He was very well aware of christianity and all the choices, he just said that he only believes in what he can see and touch. He kept comparing sex to food, and said that it's like when your hungry and you eat. You do it to satisfy your hunger. He said that he can only remember a few times in his life when he was truly satisfied, and even still it didn't last. I asked him if he doesn't believe that he has a Maker then what did he believe is his purpose in life? He said to eat, have fun, and be nice. He said that maybe since he's not feeling satisfied and happy, then he should work harder at all these things. I finished the conversation by telling him that I know what satisfies my hunger, and my satisfaction hasn't left me since I asked Jesus into my heart at 7 years old. He didn't end up accepting Christ.. but he took the packet I gave him and I really feel like God planted a seed in him. I just can't imagine living a life just to eat, have fun, and be nice. And not just that but live such an empty life. A life full of unsatisfactory situations, where you put your all into things only to have the happiness fade away in a short time. My heart breaks for these confused men. Another man told me that he goes to Nana Plaza to "forget". I just can't imagine living in the loneliness and emptiness that they live in. It's so rewarding to have the opportunity to share God's love with people like this every night. I feel so alive. I feel like I'm DOING something. Continue to pray for our team. We have about 5 more days here in Bangkok working with MST and then we go to Chang Mai to work with some women who have been trafficked and some university students. God is doing big things!! And we are having a blast all together!

Who am I..?

Okay so a little update.. We left Cambodia about a week ago and we are now in Bangkok, Thailand at the Thailand YWAM base! We are currently working with the MST project (Male Sex Tourism). And I don't think words will even mean anything if I try to put them all together.. so if you would like to check out what I'm doing you can go to www.mstproject.com

Lately I have been really struggling with my self-image. And, I know, it sounds kind of dumb. But it's just been something I have been battling. There have been some "series of events" that may have played into it.. but I think more than anything, it is the enemy trying to keep me from learning something that God wants me to learn. I feel like God is really trying to prepare me for something big and He wants me to find my identity in Him and let Him be the one who fills me. He has begun to show me that even the most good-looking, "spiritual" man can't give me what I need to feel loved. I know this in my head.. but God wants it to be true in my heart. And I think the enemy is really threatened by it. He knows what kind of a woman I will be when I finally grasp this concept.. and he has been doing everything he can to keep that from happening. I have been bombarded with just horrible thoughts about myself in the last couple days. Things like.. "What about me is there even to like?" "Why would I ever think anyone would want to be with me?" "I'm never going to be enough." I have been tempted to compare myself in ways like.. "I'm not skinny like she is." or "I'm not good at talking to guys like she is." or "My skin isn't as clear as her's." And ultimately, I think it comes down to the fears that come from deep in my heart... "What if no one ever wants to marry me?" and "What if I'm NOT good enough?" And I'm not going to lie.. I wallowed in it for a little bit. I let the enemy speak to me and I believed him. And it really took away from my time with God.

But, here's the thing... after a good talk with Him yesterday I was reminded of what God says about me. I am made perfect from the curves of my body and the sound of my laughter to the deepest parts of my heart. I am who God says I am.. I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am needed. I am worthy. And I am loved. I want to share the vision God gave me when I was asking Him for revelation...

In this vision God was sculpting a woman so carefully and intricately. He took so much time to make her perfect and He loved every single part of her. He was so proud of this beautiful woman that He had molded, that He sent her out into all the world to share about His great love. But then she wandered astray... she went where He told her to go and did as she was told, but all the way she criticized His work. She wished she was different. She began to care too much about what others thought and got too wrapped up in feeling the need to be "wanted". He cried as He watched her... and His heart broke for her broken heart. He tried to take her hands in His and whisper to her of His deep love for her.. but she had to choose to believe.

After this revelation or word from God or whatever you want to call it, I feel like a new person. It's obviously still a battle. But God already has the victory. It's a daily choice of mine to believe what He says about me. I pray for His eyes to see myself and those around me. And I have to constantly be rebuking the enemy's lies about me. I have a lot to learn, but God is teaching me this in preparation for a big promise Has made to me. I am trusting Him always.. and continuing to learn how! Love you guys! Here are some pictures of the kids from the AIDS orphanage...