Memories..

Today I drove past a cemetery and saw a burial going on.. There were people gathered around. And for a moment, everything was still. Death. I am forever altered. The word "death" isn't just a word anymore. It's a memory.. and one memory brings another, and another. And before you know it there is a rush of memories.. good and bad, sad and happy, carefree and painstaking. When I'm driving and I pull over to let an ambulance through, I go back. Way back. Those red and blue lights flashing. But mostly red. When I hear those three letters.. "ICU"... I smell the hand sanitizer, the face masks.. all the tubes. Hopelessness. Defeat. Like.. the air has been knocked out of me. I hear the beeping of the monitors, The lullabies.. the books. Hours and hours of just sitting.. watching. Waiting. Hoping. Praying. And then there he is. His little face. Which brings me to another memory. Waking up early and driving to the hospital.. Anxiousness, excitement. Fellowship. Laughter. Surprise! A beautiful baby boy. Bright red hair. Icy blue eyes. Perfection. Privilege. Gratitude. Joy.

Who am I to deserve this? Any of it? Even the really sucky stuff? "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Who, on earth, is "good people"? Definitely not me. That's for sure. What makes a good person? How should I know? I'm just a small human. Tiny. I only have significance because of my Maker. Who am I to say who's good and who's bad? And, for that matter, who am I to say what I deserve and what I don't deserve? It's a lot to think about. So complex. But, at the same time, so simple. Rest. Remember surrender?

"Remember surrender?
Remember the rest?
Remember that weight lifting off of your chest?
And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was?
Remember surrender?
Remember relief?
Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks
As the warmth of a Heavenly Father came closing in?
I want to do that again.
Why can't I live there
And make my home
In sweet surrender?
I want to do so much more than remember.
Remember surrender?
Remember peace?
Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep?
In the face of your troubles your future still shone like the morning sun.
Remember surrender?
Remember that sound
Of all of those voices inside dying down?
But One who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within." -Sara Groves

Isn't it relieving that we don't have to know? That we don't have to try and figure it out? We just have to trust. Rest. Be.