What Do I Know?

Well we have a little over two more weeks, here in Thailand. And God is doing so much in me. Right now we are just working everyday in a nursery, doing childcare. I love it. It makes me miss all my babies at home. But not too much longer.. and I really want to put my all into these last few weeks. Things have gotten rough. I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard to be around the same 16 people nonstop for two and a half months. I’m asking God everyday for His abundant grace and love to flow through me. And He is faithful. He has taught me so much more than I could have even imagined.. and He continues to do so. It certainly has been an adventure.. hard sometimes. But this week He is teaching me of His great Love. I don’t think words will even do it justice. I’ve missed Jace the past few days... and I’ve begun to feel like parts of his memory are slipping away from me. I can’t remember what his little giggle sounded like.. or exactly what his skin smelled like.. or how it felt to run my fingers through his hair. To an extent I sort of can... but not the way I wish I could. If that makes any sense? And I don’t know, really, where I’m going with all of this... but I’ve realized that I am still struggling with two big questions.. “If He is so big, then why do horrible things happen?” and “God, if You are so mighty, then why didn’t you do something?” And I don’t think I will ever get an answer. I don’t understand. I can’t. But I’m tired of being His judge. I don’t want to judge God anymore. I want to know Him for who He is.

“I made You promises a thousand times. I’ve tried to hear from heaven, but I talk the whole time. I think I made You too small. I’ve never feared You at all... no. If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You? What do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. But those were only empty words on a page... then I caught a glimpse of who You might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees. So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame and a God who gave life it’s name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your namne on earth and heaven above.. what do I know of this Love? So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? Lord what do I know? What do I know of Holy?” -What Do I Know of You? -Addison Road

So... I’ve been listening to this song over and over. And really trying to SEE God’s face. What DO I know of Him? Not much. And definatley not enough to judge the way He runs the world. But I do know that He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. And He loves Jace just the same. So it’s back to trusting Him. Trusting Him with... well... everything. And letting Him be with me when I’m sad. I’m ready to let Him heal me with every tear that I cry for Jace. And I don’t know exactly what that looks like... but I guess I don’t have to.