Who am I..?

Okay so a little update.. We left Cambodia about a week ago and we are now in Bangkok, Thailand at the Thailand YWAM base! We are currently working with the MST project (Male Sex Tourism). And I don't think words will even mean anything if I try to put them all together.. so if you would like to check out what I'm doing you can go to www.mstproject.com

Lately I have been really struggling with my self-image. And, I know, it sounds kind of dumb. But it's just been something I have been battling. There have been some "series of events" that may have played into it.. but I think more than anything, it is the enemy trying to keep me from learning something that God wants me to learn. I feel like God is really trying to prepare me for something big and He wants me to find my identity in Him and let Him be the one who fills me. He has begun to show me that even the most good-looking, "spiritual" man can't give me what I need to feel loved. I know this in my head.. but God wants it to be true in my heart. And I think the enemy is really threatened by it. He knows what kind of a woman I will be when I finally grasp this concept.. and he has been doing everything he can to keep that from happening. I have been bombarded with just horrible thoughts about myself in the last couple days. Things like.. "What about me is there even to like?" "Why would I ever think anyone would want to be with me?" "I'm never going to be enough." I have been tempted to compare myself in ways like.. "I'm not skinny like she is." or "I'm not good at talking to guys like she is." or "My skin isn't as clear as her's." And ultimately, I think it comes down to the fears that come from deep in my heart... "What if no one ever wants to marry me?" and "What if I'm NOT good enough?" And I'm not going to lie.. I wallowed in it for a little bit. I let the enemy speak to me and I believed him. And it really took away from my time with God.

But, here's the thing... after a good talk with Him yesterday I was reminded of what God says about me. I am made perfect from the curves of my body and the sound of my laughter to the deepest parts of my heart. I am who God says I am.. I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am needed. I am worthy. And I am loved. I want to share the vision God gave me when I was asking Him for revelation...

In this vision God was sculpting a woman so carefully and intricately. He took so much time to make her perfect and He loved every single part of her. He was so proud of this beautiful woman that He had molded, that He sent her out into all the world to share about His great love. But then she wandered astray... she went where He told her to go and did as she was told, but all the way she criticized His work. She wished she was different. She began to care too much about what others thought and got too wrapped up in feeling the need to be "wanted". He cried as He watched her... and His heart broke for her broken heart. He tried to take her hands in His and whisper to her of His deep love for her.. but she had to choose to believe.

After this revelation or word from God or whatever you want to call it, I feel like a new person. It's obviously still a battle. But God already has the victory. It's a daily choice of mine to believe what He says about me. I pray for His eyes to see myself and those around me. And I have to constantly be rebuking the enemy's lies about me. I have a lot to learn, but God is teaching me this in preparation for a big promise Has made to me. I am trusting Him always.. and continuing to learn how! Love you guys! Here are some pictures of the kids from the AIDS orphanage...