So far to go..

Life is weird. They say that YWAM will ruin you for the good... and I think I see it now. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating here. I feel like I should be DOING more. This is my home, and I never want to live anywhere else. But I want to be using my time well. I want to be serving, ministering to the lives of others, sharing the Love of Jesus. It's what makes me feel alive. And it's what I was made to do. Everything else just feels like a waste of my time. It's like the clock is ticking in both of my ears and every minute that passes is a minute that I'll never get back. What am I living for? Not just what's my religion? or What church do I go to? What am I LIVING for? Why did I get up today? Why do I run 4-5 miles a day? Why do I volunteer at ministries? Why do I go out of my way to make sure the people I care about KNOW that I love them and would do anything for them? What was I made for?

It's a crazy life when this is going through your mind all the time. But I'd rather it be this... it could be What am I gonna do on friday night? or When am I gonna get those jeans I wanted? or When am I gonna FINALLY get a boyfriend? or Why didn't he like me? What does she have that I don't? ..but is that really what I care about? Maybe sometimes. But, ultimately, when I let those things consume me.. I let the world consume me. I feel like God stands by and watches me.. weeping.

When I think about creation and how God created Woman... I think about myself. I am needy. I need to know that people WANT me.. that they want to be with me, that they think I am beautiful. I long to have someone who dotes on me. I dream of having someone who watches all the little things I do and loves me deeply. Someone who wants to spend his life with me.. Isn't that who God is? He isn't man or woman, male or female. He's God. But He's begun to show me how He and I are alike. He wants to know that He is wanted. He wants to know that I want to be with Him. He wants to know that I think about Him daily. He wants to know that I find Him beautiful.

So, where is all this all going? Heck if I know! This is how my brain works! But I am continuing to ask God what it is that He is revealing to me. I feel alive when He's teaching me something. I have so far to go. I hardly know anything. But He is my father, my best friend, my groom. He loves me deeply and WANTS me. Even if no one else does, yet. I have to find significance in that, right? Meaning. Purpose. I am God's desire. I am His bride. So then.. if anything matters, then everything matters.