It’s been too long since I let my fingers freely tap the letters on the keyboard. My heart gets weary without words.. my mind cloudy. And so much goes on inside me that I can’t make sense of. Eyes full of longing and anger and hope.. all at the same time. I need the deep. I can’t stay here in the shallow waters of this monotonous life. I think of water.. of the ocean or a lake.. and how deep waters make me feel whole. They make me open up. They make me speak. And I wonder if I was meant to be a fish. Or a mermaid. And yet I so love my wings. And I dream of flying away. And my chapter is dull. Work so that I can have money to get caught up on bills, so that I can get back in school, so that I can get my degree, so that I don’t have to continue drowning like this, and so that I can begin again. So many beginnings. And beginnings come with unknown middles and ends. And oh how I love the unknown. I have so much ahead of me, and so much that my dreams are alive with. I close my eyes and wait. And that seems to be my chapter. And there is this boy.. This boy whose words and dusty corners I fell in love with. I didn’t expect to fall so hard for words. I didn’t expect to find myself in these corners so dusty.. ones that no one gets invited into. And this heart that seems so familiar.. yet so new. It’s like it has somehow always been mine. Always been a part of me. And I of it. I ache for more of it. I long for what is ahead. And the joy is so real I swear I could reach out and touch it. This boy whom I spend my days searching with.. seeking, wandering, dreaming. This boy who takes me on a new adventure every day. This boy who reminds me every day of how deeply he loves me. And no matter what. This boy who fights for me without fail. Even when there seems to be no one watching. And yet there is this bitter tinge to every step that we take together.. fingers intertwined and oh how I love the colors. How do I love well? How do I let go of my anger and live free? How do I jump into my new adventure and still love those who disagree? How do I forget all the words? The ones that didn’t sweep me off my feet, but the ones that seemed to knock me to the ground? Because it’s one thing to be fired upon, and another to be warned. It’s hard to grow. It’s hard to become something that everyone is afraid of. It feels lonely. And it feels bitter. And I’m angry that the bitter seems to always steal from my joy. It always has. It steals the sweet and stains it red. And it makes it all look scary. And maybe the trick is to choose to see the sweet rather than the bitter. Why have I let the bitter take over me? Why have I given it so much power? And I must find the truth. I won’t stop until I let it soak into my skin. And I don’t know that it is what I thought it was. I think that maybe this is what life is all about. Searching. Seeking. Never giving up. The kind of love that fights. Even when no one is watching. Even when you don’t get any credit. Even when everyone is telling you to stop fighting.. that you are ridiculous. Because the truth is worth it all. And I have to remember the roots. I have to let the bitter and the anger be what they are.. but I have to not let them control me. Because I am more than that. Because I say that I am. I am brave. And this beautiful life is the only one I have. The only one Papa has given me. And so I will live it full. And sweet. And I will search. Even if there is no end to the searching. And I will bask in Papa’s love for me. And His dedication to me. And mine to Him. And I can’t wait for the next chapter. But I will go deeper into this one. And I will do my best to let go and just love.. love well. Because THAT’S who I am. THAT’S who He made me. And the music ended. But we were still singing.
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