Angel Baby

I woke in the night with fresh memories on my mind. I could have sworn there was an ambulance outside, because the red and blue lights were so real.. filling my room and reflecting off the white walls. It's true that as time goes by the distance between aches gets longer and longer.. but it's always there. I think of that angel boy every day. His smiley face is in my bathroom. I see him when I first see myself in the morning. And yet the picture of him in my dreams last night.. the one that lingered in my mind for hours after I woke.. it made me ache to my core. And the memories flood in without warning.. and there is no controlling them. "Tell me about the happy memories," but thinking of them just makes me ache more.. for a boy that used to me mine. The day he was born. The day they brought him home. The day he first showed us that sweet smile. The day I held him while he slept.. all sweaty:). The days I lotioned and dressed him.. and oh how he hated lotion. The way his big sissy adored him. His chubby neck from the back:). His goofy giggle that lasted for such a short time. Why do the sweet memories hurt too? I see him sweet and bitter. I see him in all the ways.. I carry him with me. That baby boy I saw for the first time. The one that my sister, my best friend, shared with me. The baby boy that I fell in love with. The first boy that stole my heart in ways I would have never imagined. The way I couldn't wait to get to him and get him in my arms. How hard it was to leave him.. always. I'd linger at the door and make plans for my next visit. That baby boy that I found. The one that was never the same. The one hooked up to all the machines. The one fighting. The way it tore me up and left me undone. And I'm on my knees.. broken. And it hits me once again. And I can't believe that it's real. The pain is part of me. And so many times I've pretended that it's velcro on my chest.. that I can remove it when I please. I've pushed it away. I've ignored it. I soaked it up. I've hidden it. I've hidden IN it. I've lived it. And you know.. I'm not sure I know what to do with it. Some days I wish it would go away. But mostly I'm glad for it. I'm glad that it's there to remind me of him. To remind me of what he meant to me. Of what his life taught me. Life is precious. It's beautiful. And ugly. It's simple. It's hard. It's real. There are no answers. The only comfort for the dark hard parts of life are just the sweet soft whispers. The arms around me. The whispers to remember the sweet instead of the bitter. "It's okays" "I love yous" "Don't crys" Fingers and lips soaking up tears. And the promise that I'm never alone. Even when I feel like I am. I miss that boy. I long for him. I dream of him so often. More times nightmares than sweet dreams.. but I'll take what I can get. There is this place in my heart.. A hole in the shape of my angel baby. And oh how I long to kiss those soft lips.. touch that curly red hair.. smell that skin.. hear that giggle. The throbbing comes and then fades.. but it lingers. I love you Jace Richard. Aunt Bethy misses you with all my heart.