Oh my wild sunflower

So quiet. So peaceful. And if I listen close enough... there is nothing. Beautiful nothing. No one telling me how it is. No fingers pointing reminding me of what I had said. No one's opinions of who I should be.. who I was raised to be. Who the best version of me is. Oh how hard it is to drown out all the voices. And for so long I was so tired that I became numb once again. I forgot how to breath. I forgot how to smile. I forgot how to care. My Courtsie's little voice yelling "Bethy!" Moving her chair next to mine at dinner. Sitting in my lap to tell me all the things that her little heart can't stop pulsing about. Jaxon's little songs he sings. And the look on his face when he accidently ate a tomato. :) Ivy spitting up in my crotch. :) Her little pink flower. Her big giant blue eyes. Jett's avenger's song... and undies. :) And I forgot. I forgot all the sweet. Because I was so tangled and tethered with the bitter. I was too angry. I forgot about slow dancing in empty dining rooms. I forgot about feet in laps. Breakfast at a little hole in the wall pancake house. Work stories. Serious eyes. Fingers tracing faces. Eyes that tell stories. Fights for cookie dough in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Glimpses of depth and essence. Kisses on cheeks. A new hand hold. Eyes opened to new selves. Letting go of "shoulds" and opening palms to "AMs." Passion. Hope. Walking on daddy's back in the living room floor. All the pillows in the house brought together to make a big pillow pit to jump in. Sister nights. Mom and Bethany day. Breathing easy. And maybe it wasn't forgetfulness. Maybe it was just a bleeding over of my tired shoulders. Carrying all these expectations. Including my own. And I think of my empathy. I think of how I soak up sadness for others. How I listen to their hearts and then spend days and weeks burdening for them. Wishing I could change things for them. And it's who I've always been. Please. Make proud. Don't let yourself think. Because what if what you think doesn't match their's? And so I put myself in a box. A neat little Bethany box. And I've been there ever since. And that's how they've always known me. Boxed Bethany. She's neat and nice, and compliant. She is responsible, on time, hard working, dependable, happy.. even if she isn't really. And all things come at a cost. This time.. it was me. And there are things about my essence that will never change. The fact that I am empathetic. I will never stop battling taking on the burdens of others. It's who I am. I care.. sometimes too much. And there is the me that is always willing to put myself aside to care for someone else. There is this thing in my heart.. something so intense.. that when I love someone and something I can't help but love it all the way. Almost to the point that I throw myself away. And I do it everywhere I go. I always have. A year ago I couldn't tell you my favorite color. Or my favorite activity. Or my favorite food. Or my favorite kind of ice cream. I couldn't tell you what I liked to do in my free time. I couldn't tell you what my own hopes and dreams were. I would have given you something to hold.. because I certainly couldn't disappoint you with no answer. I would have recited my moms favorite color. Or dad's favorite ice cream. Or annie's favorite activity. My hopes and dreams would have matched My Lydsie's life. And I wasn't. I wasn't there. Because I was too afraid to be. I was too afraid to think. Afraid of what.. I'm not sure. Disappointing? Letting someone down? Being different? Standing out? I'm not so sure. But those are things that I now do everyday. And I can tell you that they eat at me. They cause my breathing to become more difficult. Because I've lived my life to please. And it doesn't change my love for those I'm close to. It doesn't make me less me. In fact.. it makes me more me. And every minute has belonged. Every minute of who I was, was needed. And I wouldn't change it. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. If I miss things.. they are familiarity. They are a life like it once was. Like it will never again be. No matter where I choose to go from here. But the question I have to ask myself every day.. and ask Papa.. is "is it worth it?" "Is the cost worth it to me?" And it's scary. It's scary for everyone. But scary for me. Because I've always had this piece of paper with words all over it. A list of steps and rules for getting me to where I want to go in a nice clean way. That was faith. And all of the sudden I'm here with just a blank piece of paper. And the only things I know are that He loves me and that He will never leave me. And I wake up and that's all I have to cling to. The hope and the promise that He is always near. That His love will never change. And I will find the truth, even if it kills me. Not my own truth. But the truth that He has to give me. And I will do it by keeping my eyes and hands open. I wish somedays that I could continue like I used to. Pleasing. Following. It is easier to have a set of rules and steps. But I have stepped out of my nice comfy little box. And now all I have is my real faith. Blind, dark, scary. And that is real faith to me. A faith that is mine and Papa's together. And so again it looks different. I look different. And different is scary. But I'm not sick. I'm being stripped of all the things that made me not me. And Papa and I are on a journey together. And I'm scared. But I won't look back. And it's lonely. And it's dark. And it's hard. But the hard things are the real ones. And oh how I love real things. And I refuse to continue surviving. Because my Jesus died that I might have life. And life to the FULL. And so I will LIVE. And I will live full. And I don't even know what that looks like.. but I will find it. And this is where I have to go. And everyone had their own idea of what my life would look like. They want me to walk, or run, or jog. Because those things feel safe. Those things put people at ease. They look neater. They look nicer. But I want to FLY. And I can. I never knew I could. I always saw from my box. And no one could have prepared me for what I'd see when I stepped out. So many more possibilities. So much more life. So many more choices. And I can choose. Papa and I can choose. And so she gave up her arms for wings. And to those who always knew her with arms.. wings were scary. Sick. Unsafe. And fear brought hurt. And hurt brought confusion and more fear. And it all spiraled into a big fat mess. So messy. So ugly. And yet so beautiful. And what will I pay for a pair of wings? I will pay a pair of arms. Because you can't have wings and arms. Not if you want wings to the full. And I won't settle for anything but the full. I have always been drawn to sunflowers. Ever since I was a little girl. We lived in a little house when I was young that had big huge tall sunflowers lining the fence in the neighbor's backyard. I would jump as high as I could on the trampoline just get a glimpse or two of these glorious flowers. So tall. On our drive to Colorado I can't count how many wild sunflowers we passed.. and it made me remember. The smell of them on my fingers after trying to pick one and failing because of their thick stems. The memory and the lively feeling these beautiful flowers gave me, led me to some research. Did you know that the sunflower turns its face to follow the sun? It's open face symbolizes the sun itself, conveying warmth and happiness, adoration and longevity. It usually grows in scrub land and dry areas. It blooms from july to september. Then head of the sunflower consists of 1,000 to 2,000 individual flowers. Each petal is a ray flower. It is one of the fastest growing plants in the world, increasing in height up to 1 foot a day. It's lofty heights have resulted in the sunflower being symbolic of haughtiness as well as adoration. These last few days with my Papa.. there have been sunflowers everywhere. And He has whispered to me, almost non spot, 'His sunflower.' "Oh my wild sunflower." "How perfect you are." Seen as haughty at times. But adored, warm, happy.. A flower that grows in scrub land and dry areas. Dark. Lonely. But always looking at it's sun. Crazed with the love of light. What a sweet Papa. To compare me to this amazing flower.. that puts butterflies in my tummy.