So am I

I need to write. I can feel the words forming in my fingers. I'm not sure even what it is that I need to say. But I find myself here, my hands on the keyboard. And I can't stop typing. I can hear my own voice in my head.. putting words together to form sentences and its like my fingers can't move fast enough. My mind and my hands and my heart even are on this wave length.. I almost feel left out. I'm here, at this point in my path.. on my journey. A journey that I sometimes hate.. but all at once love so much that I hold it tightly to my chest. I wouldn't give it up. And I wouldn't change a thing. Not any one of the pebbles that bruised the soles of my feet. Or the cracks in the dried soil that made me lose my step. Not the patches of silky green grass that made my tired feet want to sing. Or the cool puddles that rinsed away the grime just long enough for me to remember what it feels like to be shiny clean. Only to begin walking again and dirty them right back up. Sometimes I can soak. Soak it all. Like skin. And other times something happens within me and I numb. But when I numb from sad things.. I numb from all things. Joy. Happiness. Peace. All. And I've been struggling.. fighting myself. "Everything in me is tightening, curling in around this ache. I am fighting to stay open." Open to all the things that Papa has to bring me. All gifts. Even the ones that seem to be horribly awful. Empty walls where pictures hung. Furniture stacked up in the corner. An apple core. A single roll of toilet paper in an empty bathroom. A bed frame with no mattress. One last view of the sunset from my little porch. Memories playing in my mind.. the sound of two little girls spying. Laughing. Promising. A box full of school notes. Pictures drawn. Letters written. Sworn secrets. Endless hours of laughter.. the kind that made you sore the next day. Friendship. Acceptance. Love. Momma's fingers braiding my hair. Daddy's arms around me so long. His kisses soaking up the tears on my cheeks. Courtlynn's super bag, with everything you could ever need. :) Jett's favorite part of the morning. Jaxon's teeth. Ivy's big round eyes. Bay's forgiveness. My Lydise's voice fighting for me. Babe's eyes drinking me in. My fingers intertwined in his and oh how I love the colors. A picture of two birds flying away together. An invitation to just be me and that I'm wanted that way. Bubba's courage and unwillingness to give anything but his all. Rocky's sweet softness and the way I can feel his love for me in the air... almost breath it. Nightmares. Ones that wake me with loud sobs. And the ache of that long hallway walk. The turn of the doorknob. Jace's pale, cold face. And waking up to realize it's a dream. But not really. It's a memory. It's reality. One last kiss on his dry, cold lips. One last run of my fingers through is bright red curls.. that somehow just didn't feel the same. A last peek at his toes. A last attempt at holding his hand in mine. And I'm angry. And I don't want to be skin today. I don't want to soak. Not this. But I realize that this is life. And when you live free and open, you risk a whole lot. And you get things that you wouldn't have picked. You find yourself on parts of the path that make you want to sit down and never take another step. But you can't. Not if you want the fullness. Not if you want the sweet things. The ones we were made for. But the sweetness just doesn't come without the bitter. And so you choose to let the bitter soak too. Pool around you. And the tears come. So long. Your eyes are swollen shut. Your head is pounding and you feel like you could sleep for days. "Bring the wind and bring the thunder. Bring the rain til I am tried. When it's over bring me stillness. Let my face reflect the sky. And all the grace and all the wonder of a peace that I can't fake." Maybe the tears are purely a trickle of memories.. ones that you have to somehow let go of, so that they can just be what they are. Maybe tears are the softest and sweetest way we can let heart ache the way it needs to. And I hate them. But I need them. And so life is mean. But it's also sweet and full. And you can't have one without the other. They come together. They are tethered. Like my braided hair. And so I will soak. Even the brutal ugliness of the world. Because the sweetness is worth it. And so am I.