Quick update...

I read over my YWAM packet the other night and kind of tried to map out my money situation so here it is... I sent in $1,025 and I have almost another $500 ready to send in! Praise Jesus! But I'm still a little overwhelmed when I look at the grand total of possibly $5,000 to go!!! God is good though! He can see the big picture and I can't! So I am planning to come up with some other fundraising ideas! I am going to talk with Mardel this week about having a bake sale outside of their store? And I want to send out some emails about having people save up some things that they might want to donate to me for a massive garage sale!! Thinking outside the box! There are more ways than one! So keep praying! God is providing!

Trusting God...

Okay so I sent in my first big chunk of money and I'm working on my second one, but I have to be honest... I'm a little worried because it's been a good week since I've gotten anymore in! I'm really trying to trust God with everything, though. I know He is going to provide! It's just so hard to stay positive sometimes and I get so caught up in day-to-day things that I forget to spend time with him and talk to him about things! But the other night we were having worship outside at Bethany Gunn's house, and the weather was so amazingly perfect!!! And for the first time in a long time I really felt God's presence. I felt Him touch my cheek and He said "Trust Me." And can I just tell you how much I love it when He does that kind of stuff? Because, it's so romantic! I swear, my heart skipped a beat! I can't imagine a man on this earth that could touch me like that and say anything to me and take my breath away like He does! He doesn't exist!! God is just too good! He just knows when I need him the most, doesn't he? So, I'm continuing to learn to trust Him with everything! And I'm trying to remember that He has always been faithful to me, and He always will be.

I'm kind of discouraged today. Just about everything, I guess. Money, friends, family, life... I don't know. It's kind of hard when you realize that everything you thought was so important just isn't anymore. And I guess I should have realized that by now. I think you just have days, you know? I missed Jace today... but when do I not? Sometimes I get into the swing of life and it's almost like I forget. But reality is always there to remind me. And it's nothing you can really explain. You just see his perfect little face in your mind and the memories play back like a movie clip, over and over... and all you want to do is curl up with a blanket, and you think that maybe if you lay there long enough you'll be able to smell him again or remember what his little giggle was like. Because what in the world could be any better than that? Im just trying to embrace all the good things I still have. I have my Courtsie and the rest of my family that loves and cares about me. But what is it about pain that seems to lock you in this place where no matter how hard you try, it seems like you just can't stop thinking about that one thing that you lost? That one person... that sweet baby boy. Will it ever go away? Part of me, I think, hopes not! Because I don't want to forget even an inch of him. And I don't think I ever will. How could I? How could anyone that ever looked into his icy blue eyes? So I'm trusting you, God. With the small things and the big ones.... but no one said it was going to be easy.

I missed my boy yesterday. Sometimes I just have days when no matter what I do I can't get his precious face out of my mind. And the memories are still so fresh. Part of me hopes they always stay that way. I remember every inch of him. What it felt like to hold him in my arms. But when I look back, it was more like he was holding me. Especially that last day in the swimming pool. I held him for what felt like an eternity! And no matter what, I will never forget the feeling of his little body relaxing into mine. He trusted me. He needed me. And so often, now, I find myself needing him. In fact even when he was here I'd have days that I would get this longing to hold him or even just kiss him. So, I'd make my way to Lydia's house and I'd stay there for hours lying on the floor with him, helping feed him, or putting his jammies on him. (Jammies are my favorite!) And I think thats when it hurts the most. When I get that longing, just like before... only he's not here anymore. I ran into a girl the other day that I hadn't seen in probably a year and she asked me "How's Jace?" And right there in the middle of McAlister's I had to say what is forever on my mind, out loud. The words seemed to sort of slap me in the face. "He passed away in July." It's like, I'm always thinking about that fact... But it does something to you when you have to say it. And it doesn't seem like enough. Like it would have been more appropriate to scream it or start balling right there because that sentence can't even begin to express the reality of my every day. And if this is the reality of my every day then I can't imagine what it's like for my sister and brother-in-law. And that thought, alone, brings me to my knees in awe of their strength and courage! I can't say how proud I am of them. And I look at them and it just blows me away. That through our "little healer" God is graciously healing our hearts. Because no matter how good we think we're doing there is always something that needs healing. So today God is comforting me. And in the midst of all of this pain... He is still good.

Coming Along

So i found the pictures from when me, mom and dad visited the facility in colorado... Pretty amazing! I can't imagine what it will be like to wake up every morning to these immaculate mountains! They truly are beautiful! It's so amazing to think about our God and how he made this beautiful world just because he loves us! It makes me think about that song by Kim Walker "How He Loves" and it's so sweet to realize how much he really does just love us! No matter where we are, or what we've done! He is so very good! I've started to collect money and its coming along! I'm getting more and more excited! I think it still seems a little surreal. I was thinking the  other day about when we drive there... they will have some kind of banquet dinner to welcome the new students and my parents will stay the night and then the next morning they'll catch a plane and I'll be there all alone! Well I'm never alone, but I'm sure it will be hard to say goodbye to a pretty big chapter of my life and start a new one. I know that God is even using this time to prepare me for everything. It's gonna be so crazy to 

leave everyone behind! Like every monday me and my two best friends go running and we just talk about everything going on in our lives! I'll miss them so much! And by the time I get back Amanda will be in college and Bethany will have graduated hair school and who knows 

what she'll be doing!? But I'm just trusting God to help me let everyone go, and be ready for things to be completely different when I get home. I'm such a planner that it kills me to not be able to plan out my future and know what will happen and what everything is going to be like, but I guess thats part of my journey God's taking me on too! Just learning how to trust him with everything and knowing that he has it all planned out! Bailey and I went to see a movie last week while my parents were out of town and it was a blast! We had so much fun taking 

pictures in the car and blaring the music! She's growing up so fast! But I guess we all are! Lydia is about to have baby number three and I can't wait to see him! He's going to be so perfect! And even though there are all these exciting things going on I can't help but feel the bitter part of it all, too. Because, while this is going to be awesome, there will be so much that I will miss here at home. My mom and dad, Bailey, Andrew and Cat, Lydia and rocky, Courtlynn and Jett, and all my friends. I can't help but be a little sad. What will I do without my Courtsie dates or my monday morning runs with my best girls? And what about wednesdays when I hang out with Lyds? Or almost every evening when I climb into my parents bed with bailey and the four of us laugh hysterically until we can't keep our eyes open!? The family, I think, is God's greatest gift! And I am so comfortable here. I love my family and friends more than anything. But it's time for me to take the hand of my King and trust that he's going to take me just where he wants me to be! And that He will never leave me! I just have to keep reminding myself that it's only for six months and it's going to be amazing! God is so good and he works all things out for the good of those who love him! Keep praying!

Moving Forward...

I put together my support letters and I got almost all of them out. I've thought of a few more people I need to send one to, but for the most part I've got it done. I also received my packing list in the mail last week! It was pretty much letting me know things like what the weather will be like, how much it costs to do laundry, values and policies, curfew, what my schedule will be like... and everything else you could imagine! It makes it a little more exciting. And I think I'm beginning to look at myself more as an adult than a little girl. Which is weird! But God is doing something amazing, I can feel it! Which is probably why I can feel the enemy working, too. He's been whispering doubts like "Are you really spiritual enough to be doing something like this? Won't you be out of place? What if you're not like everyone else there? What if they think you're a horrible person for listening to secular music, or wearing a lot of makeup, or dressing the way you do?" But I'm learning how to choose to hear what God says about me. I know that no matter how I look or seem to be, God sees who I really am. He sees my heart. And he loves me the way I am. Because, after all, I am his masterpiece. I'm realizing, more and more, that life is really about trusting God with everything, rather than being consumed with looking the way a christian should look. I mean, Do I really want to spend the rest of my life trying to live up to something that can't possibly be obtained? Or do I simply want to live loved by my king, laying down my life for those around me to bring glory to his name?  So, I'm moving forward towards this amazing journey God has planned for me. And I knew it wouldn't be easy! But this is only the beginning! Be praying for the voice of truth to be so loud that I can't even hear the enemy! God is so good!