So far to go..

Life is weird. They say that YWAM will ruin you for the good... and I think I see it now. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating here. I feel like I should be DOING more. This is my home, and I never want to live anywhere else. But I want to be using my time well. I want to be serving, ministering to the lives of others, sharing the Love of Jesus. It's what makes me feel alive. And it's what I was made to do. Everything else just feels like a waste of my time. It's like the clock is ticking in both of my ears and every minute that passes is a minute that I'll never get back. What am I living for? Not just what's my religion? or What church do I go to? What am I LIVING for? Why did I get up today? Why do I run 4-5 miles a day? Why do I volunteer at ministries? Why do I go out of my way to make sure the people I care about KNOW that I love them and would do anything for them? What was I made for?

It's a crazy life when this is going through your mind all the time. But I'd rather it be this... it could be What am I gonna do on friday night? or When am I gonna get those jeans I wanted? or When am I gonna FINALLY get a boyfriend? or Why didn't he like me? What does she have that I don't? ..but is that really what I care about? Maybe sometimes. But, ultimately, when I let those things consume me.. I let the world consume me. I feel like God stands by and watches me.. weeping.

When I think about creation and how God created Woman... I think about myself. I am needy. I need to know that people WANT me.. that they want to be with me, that they think I am beautiful. I long to have someone who dotes on me. I dream of having someone who watches all the little things I do and loves me deeply. Someone who wants to spend his life with me.. Isn't that who God is? He isn't man or woman, male or female. He's God. But He's begun to show me how He and I are alike. He wants to know that He is wanted. He wants to know that I want to be with Him. He wants to know that I think about Him daily. He wants to know that I find Him beautiful.

So, where is all this all going? Heck if I know! This is how my brain works! But I am continuing to ask God what it is that He is revealing to me. I feel alive when He's teaching me something. I have so far to go. I hardly know anything. But He is my father, my best friend, my groom. He loves me deeply and WANTS me. Even if no one else does, yet. I have to find significance in that, right? Meaning. Purpose. I am God's desire. I am His bride. So then.. if anything matters, then everything matters.

Re-adjusted.. I think

So I've been home for almost two months now.. and things have changed a little since my last post. I started to re-think SBS and have been really trying to hear God about things. Last week I did something crazy and I visited Oklahoma City Community College! And this week I'm doing something even crazier and visiting OSU-OKC! I am looking at getting my associates degree in nursing. It's crazy, I know. But let's just back up about, oh nine months or so and look at things. When Jace got sick and was in the PICU for about ten days, God really stirred in me a passion for nursing. I wanted to be a nurse that brings hope and peace into the rooms of my patients and a nurse who is always looking for opportunities to share God's love. And since I've been home He's been reminding me of that passion. I would love to work in the PICU or even as a Labor and Delivery Nurse. And I believe that no matter where I am God will use me to minister to people. In the grand scheme of things.. all I really want is what He wants. I belong to Him. And He knows better than I do. I still don't know for sure what will happen, and I hesitate to even try to plan things out.. because I know they usually don't work out the way I plan. But, maybe I will be in school in the fall? Who knows? I feel a little flaky, because I said I was going to do one thing and now I'm saying another.. but honestly I don't know! It's an adventure! Right here in Oklahoma! Isn't it amazing how God always keeps us guessing..? I think it's kind of fun that way!

In the meantime.. :) I've been hanging out with my sweet family and a few friends and God somehow keeps my attention to teach me more things! I have been volunteering at a ministry called "All Things Baby" twice a week. Women (and sometimes men) come into our office, needing baby supplies. Diapers, clothing, shoes, toys.. anything! You name it! I get them signed in and in the computer system and then they are sent back to get set up and prayed for. I absolutely love it, and am so glad God can still use me even though it may feel small. My weeks are pretty crazy. Sometimes I'm super busy and sometimes I have a lot of time on my hands.. which I usually spend playing with my niece and nephew and hanging out with my sisters. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me next and hopefully I will know soon! ;)