The Village...

My team and I just returned from a three day experience in a little Chiangmai village. We paired up and lived two people to a home. The families welcomed us into their houses and served us non-stop for three days... washing our laundry, taking us to the market, cooking us meals, and so much more! I noticed how our teammates were all calling their house parents their OWN parents. One of the girls would say "My mom braided my hair today!" It was the sweetest thing! Everyday we had the privilege of working along-side the village people in the soy bean farms, spreading fertilizer. In the mornings we would start at about 8am and the fields were absolutely beautiful, covered in fog! It was rough at certain points.. but something I will never forget!

While I was there, I wasn't able to talk with any of my family... or anyone other than my teammates for that matter! And I think God really showed me some things. He showed me that I haven't been as focused on Him as I should be. I've been easily distracted by "what ifs" and ultimately... the future. I realized yesterday, when I was walking through the Village taking pictures that most of my time is spent thinking about what's next. It's like a fairy tale in my head... 24/7. Which, I don't think there's anything wrong with fairy tales. In fact, I think God loves for us to daydream about the things He has in store for us... but what I had to ask myself was "Is it keeping me from drawing nearer to Him?" And I think the answer is yes. Why ARE certain things about my future so fresh in my mind so much of the time? Because they are promises that God has made to me. They are things that I'm excited for... things that I want with everything in my heart. But I think, more than that, I have a hard time trusting God with them. I think I hold on to them so tightly because... ultimately.. I'm afraid that maybe I won't get them. Trust. That's what it all comes down to. Trusting God with the little things.. and the big things. I don't really have a conclusion or an answer, even. But I know this.. God is teaching me that I CAN trust Him. He has things for me that I can't even daydream big enough! All I have to do is relax and enjoy the things that are in front of me right now. Otherwise I will miss out, big time!

The MST Project

Well here we are in Bangkok, Thailand working with the Male Sex Tourism Project. And, just like I thought, it is indescribable. We wait outside of what's called Nana Plaza and we ask the men who walk by if they would like to answer a few questions for the survey we are doing. And it never fails to start a deep conversation about faith and beliefs. I have only done the surveys once, and hope to do them again. I had a conversation with a man about satisfaction. When I asked him what his personal faith background was he said "nothing." He was very well aware of christianity and all the choices, he just said that he only believes in what he can see and touch. He kept comparing sex to food, and said that it's like when your hungry and you eat. You do it to satisfy your hunger. He said that he can only remember a few times in his life when he was truly satisfied, and even still it didn't last. I asked him if he doesn't believe that he has a Maker then what did he believe is his purpose in life? He said to eat, have fun, and be nice. He said that maybe since he's not feeling satisfied and happy, then he should work harder at all these things. I finished the conversation by telling him that I know what satisfies my hunger, and my satisfaction hasn't left me since I asked Jesus into my heart at 7 years old. He didn't end up accepting Christ.. but he took the packet I gave him and I really feel like God planted a seed in him. I just can't imagine living a life just to eat, have fun, and be nice. And not just that but live such an empty life. A life full of unsatisfactory situations, where you put your all into things only to have the happiness fade away in a short time. My heart breaks for these confused men. Another man told me that he goes to Nana Plaza to "forget". I just can't imagine living in the loneliness and emptiness that they live in. It's so rewarding to have the opportunity to share God's love with people like this every night. I feel so alive. I feel like I'm DOING something. Continue to pray for our team. We have about 5 more days here in Bangkok working with MST and then we go to Chang Mai to work with some women who have been trafficked and some university students. God is doing big things!! And we are having a blast all together!

Who am I..?

Okay so a little update.. We left Cambodia about a week ago and we are now in Bangkok, Thailand at the Thailand YWAM base! We are currently working with the MST project (Male Sex Tourism). And I don't think words will even mean anything if I try to put them all together.. so if you would like to check out what I'm doing you can go to www.mstproject.com

Lately I have been really struggling with my self-image. And, I know, it sounds kind of dumb. But it's just been something I have been battling. There have been some "series of events" that may have played into it.. but I think more than anything, it is the enemy trying to keep me from learning something that God wants me to learn. I feel like God is really trying to prepare me for something big and He wants me to find my identity in Him and let Him be the one who fills me. He has begun to show me that even the most good-looking, "spiritual" man can't give me what I need to feel loved. I know this in my head.. but God wants it to be true in my heart. And I think the enemy is really threatened by it. He knows what kind of a woman I will be when I finally grasp this concept.. and he has been doing everything he can to keep that from happening. I have been bombarded with just horrible thoughts about myself in the last couple days. Things like.. "What about me is there even to like?" "Why would I ever think anyone would want to be with me?" "I'm never going to be enough." I have been tempted to compare myself in ways like.. "I'm not skinny like she is." or "I'm not good at talking to guys like she is." or "My skin isn't as clear as her's." And ultimately, I think it comes down to the fears that come from deep in my heart... "What if no one ever wants to marry me?" and "What if I'm NOT good enough?" And I'm not going to lie.. I wallowed in it for a little bit. I let the enemy speak to me and I believed him. And it really took away from my time with God.

But, here's the thing... after a good talk with Him yesterday I was reminded of what God says about me. I am made perfect from the curves of my body and the sound of my laughter to the deepest parts of my heart. I am who God says I am.. I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am needed. I am worthy. And I am loved. I want to share the vision God gave me when I was asking Him for revelation...

In this vision God was sculpting a woman so carefully and intricately. He took so much time to make her perfect and He loved every single part of her. He was so proud of this beautiful woman that He had molded, that He sent her out into all the world to share about His great love. But then she wandered astray... she went where He told her to go and did as she was told, but all the way she criticized His work. She wished she was different. She began to care too much about what others thought and got too wrapped up in feeling the need to be "wanted". He cried as He watched her... and His heart broke for her broken heart. He tried to take her hands in His and whisper to her of His deep love for her.. but she had to choose to believe.

After this revelation or word from God or whatever you want to call it, I feel like a new person. It's obviously still a battle. But God already has the victory. It's a daily choice of mine to believe what He says about me. I pray for His eyes to see myself and those around me. And I have to constantly be rebuking the enemy's lies about me. I have a lot to learn, but God is teaching me this in preparation for a big promise Has made to me. I am trusting Him always.. and continuing to learn how! Love you guys! Here are some pictures of the kids from the AIDS orphanage...