Two years old...

On August 14, 2007 I watched little Jace Richard Campbell come into this world. I remember suiting up and waiting for the nurse to come and tell us we could go in. Rocky and I were so excited, we could hardly wait! But once we got inside the operating room, it all happened so fast. A life began right in front of my eyes.. a life that I had no idea would one day, all too soon, mean more to me than I could ever imagine. I feel like words are just not enough. I was happy to celebrate Jace's birthday. Happy that he was more happy than we even know. But so much of it is bitter. The memories are happy, but they always have the pain at the end.

My favorite memory I have of him, before he got sick, was one day when Lydia had taken Court out to do something fun and I had stayed with Jace and Rocky. I remember getting him out of the bathtub and putting his lotion on (he hated lotion) so by the time I had him all lathered up, he was pretty upset with me. So I picked him up and held him close, and I told him "It's okay, Beth's here" and then I sang him his Byo's (his favorite lullaby) swaying back and forth. After I calmed him down I put his little "Admi - (red)" onesie on from BabyGap, and I played with him in his exersaucer. He was so happy. But, he was always happy!

I couldn't stop thinking about him... his handsome little smile, what it felt like to hold him in my arms. And then we wrote him notes, tied them to balloons, and let them go. And a small part of me thinks "why?" He should be here, walking around on his wabbly legs. Today should be happy. Eating Birthday cake should be fun. But, it wasn't. I didn't want any Birthday cake. I wanted to take a picture with my Niece and BOTH of my nephews. But instead I took a picture with Courtlynn and Jett by Jace's headstone. Sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes I just can't understand.

Last week I took Courtlynn on a date, and before we ate I started to pray. But she stopped me and said "I'll pray!" and she literally took me away... "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me to understand. Amen." I think God knew how much I would need that prayer for this particular day. Sometimes we DON'T understand. And, honestly, it's okay with me if I don't. I can rest in the arms of God, knowing that He has everything under control. And it's okay to be sad, sometimes. It's okay to not understand, and maybe wonder why things turned out this way... wonder why they couldn't be different. God is just that good.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for I will comfort them."

Happy 2nd Birthday my baby angel. We miss you and love you so very much!

Only one more month...

Well, its been a little while! So sorry! I've been super busy with all kinds of things! We had our Scentsy Party and made a little over one hundred dollars! Thank you Jesus! I'm just believing that God is going to provide! Even if it's not until the day before my deadline! And wouldn't it be just like Him to do that!? :) I spoke with the YWAM register's office a few days ago and got a pretty good idea about what else I'm going to need, how much room I will have,...Etc. I will for sure have three other roommates! And our room is just like a hotel room with two bunk beds, a dresser of 8 drawers, and one closet! So, I won't be able to bring many things! But, I think thats part of the experience, learning to be thankful and content with what you have... with what you NEED. I've reached a little over half of my tuition! I still have about $3,000 to go! And that includes airfare to wherever my Outreach Phase will be! Which I won't know until probably week three or four of my Lecture Phase... so end of September, beginning of October.

As it gets closer and closer to time, I have to be honest, I'm pretty nervous! Everyday life, here in Oklahoma, is easy. It's comfortable. I know everyone around me, I make my own money and spend it on what I want to spend it on, I can take my Courty on a date any day! And all that is about to be stripped away. Which is good, don't get me wrong! I know that then it will be just me and my Jesus, and thats a big reason He's sending me away! But that doesn't exactly make it any easier! I'll miss Court's 4th birthday. I'll miss watching Jett grow for 6 months. I'll miss Christmas with my family. Morning breakfasts with my mom. Family nights every Tuesday. Hanging out with my friends. And the list could go on forever! But that almost makes it even more precious, this journey I'm about to embark on. God invited me, and in order for me to go, I have to leave all this behind. Everything that's ever meant anything to me! Everything I've ever known. An adventure! And it's exciting and scary and sad all at the same time! It won't be easy, thats for sure! But I think it will fly by, and I'll be home before I know it! ....Probably wishing I was still there!

So this last month I am making as much time as possible to be with my family and friends. This week I'm fasting from 6:00pm to 6:00am. (It's harder than it sounds! Like an hour after dinner, I want something sweet!) And I'm also fasting from secular music. I feel like when I surround myself with worship and the word of God, I'm almost a different person! I'm praying for Faith and Trust in the Lord, that He will provide. And I'm praying that He will just continue to make my heart yearn for Him more and more each day! He's always faithful, He's always good, He's never failed me. I can't wait to run away with my Jesus!