Here in Cambodia...

Hey everyone! I’m sorry I haven’t updated sooner. I’m basically in the middle of nowhere and the internet is almost impossible! We are currently right outside of Phnom Penh, Cambodia working in an HIV AIDS orphanage. There are about 205 kids that live here and they are all HIV positive. Our team has been here almost two weeks, and we will be here another week! I can’t believe Friday is Christmas.. it doesn’t feel like it at all. But I am so excited to see the kids get to have Christmas, and experience it in a new way!

God has been working in me quite a lot. It has been an adventure.. thats for sure! And it still has only begun! Being surrounded by sickness and a spirit of hopelessness has been a big challenge. It has left me feeling frustrated and confused, again, with some of the same questions I’ve had since My sweet Jace’s death. Over the last week or so I’ve really struggled with finding Him in all this sadness. I’ve found myself asking Him where He is and why He’s not doing anything? But He really has taken ahold of me and shook me pretty hard. I read Corrie Ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place” and really started looking at things a lot differently. A big thing that He has showed me this week is that sometimes the knowledge that I want to have is too heavy for me to carry. I have to learn to let my Father carry it for me until I am able. Grasping this has really freed me.. in a way that I can’t even explain. I don’t want to be God’s judge anymore. I don’t want to look at Him and see only the things about Him that I can’t understand. I’m ready to let Him just be my Hiding Place. I think I’ve been wrestling for so long.. and I can feel God telling me that it’s time for me to give it up. And I’m ready to. I miss Jace. Everyday. I always will. And I won’t ever understand why some things happen the way they do. But I can rest in knowing that God can see the good in broken things. Even when I can’t. It doesn’t make the pain go away. The memories still come.. and it still hurts. But now I know that God IS good. I don’t have to just say it anymore. I KNOW it.

“But this is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preperation for the future that only He can see.” -Corrie Ten Boom

Being here has been life-changing. Obviously! ;) But the kids just LOVE to be with us. They follow us around, climbing on our backs, wanting to play games. Some just want to sit in your lap or hold your hand. All they want is to know that they are wanted.. accepted. And in more ways than one I’ve seen myself in them. If I look deep inside my heart, thats what eats at me the most. “Am I wanted?” And a lot of times I follow the wrong things around, looking for the answer, when God is ultimately the only one who can give me a satisfactory one. He’s the only one who can answer “YES!” every time! In the same way, I see Him in every one of them. In every hug and kiss. Or just when I suddenly feel a little hand in mine. God wants to be wanted.. just like I do. Probably more than I do! He wants to know that I want to spend time with Him.

It’s a lot to learn. And it’s only been the first two weeks! I am so very thankful for God’s patience with me. I am so very blessed to have been chosen to be on this journey. He is blessing me with more than I could have imagined! Thank you guys for supporting me and continuing to pray for the things He is doing! He IS good!

Leaving in four days...

Wow! I have been so bad about updating. I am so so sorry! Things have been so crazy, but God has been doing more than I can explain. This last weekend I got to go home for Thanksgiving, and seeing my family was just awesome! It was refreshing to be there and get to spend so much time with them... even though it went by super fast. I was sad to leave them, but not sad to come back. I have been doing a lot to get ready for outreach emotionally, spiritually, AND physically! We leave Sunday morning!! It came so fast! For those of you who don't already know, I just got the rest of my tuition money in last week. Praise God!! But I am still in need of some extra money for small needs I will most likely have overseas. Thank you to all of you who have been such a blessing to me, in helping me be able to take this journey! I could not do it without you!

It's hard to explain what all is going through my brain at the moment.. and my heart. But, of course, these next few days will be a little stressful trying to get everything together and prepare myself for what God has! There are many things that we will be doing over our trip that I just know God has His hand in my team and all the places that we will be going. If any of you would want to be part of my email chain please send me your email address ASAP! I won't be able to talk on the phone and I don't know for sure how often I will be able to get to an internet cafe... but I will make it a priority for sure!

I am definitely struggling to have daily quiet times. But I realize more and more every day how important they are. Maybe not "quiet times" but more just being in the word and spending time with God. I can see how it affects me when I don't stay on top of it. Over outreach I am going to discipline myself to reading the new testament over our three month period. I'm kind of excited about it! God wants to teach me so much. I can feel it!

All I can say is that I never dreamed there would be so much drama at a place like this!!! But, hey, we're all human right? Some things have been hard and I have found myself more than ever before, believing the lies that the enemy loves throwing at me. I have had to make a daily choice to look at myself through God's eyes, and no one else's! But it is definitely a challenge. I don't think I've ever been so insecure about myself as I have been these last few days. And part of me is afraid about that end of outreach. I don't doubt that God will use me exactly the way He wants to, or even that I won't be able to adapt to the culture and the different way of life for awhile. But I can't even imagine going, and trying to be a light to the lost... feeling like this. I know that God is bigger than all of this!! And He is reminding me every minute of how precious I am to Him and what HE says about me. But, it's hard to get that from my head to my heart. Please be praying for me on outreach.. that God would give me His eyes for myself and ALL those around me. I don't want anything to blind me from seeing His wonders and glory on this amazing journey! He is going to do so much, and teach me more than I can imagine! And the enemy wants to bring me down and keep me from being excited and wanting to go. So be praying for me! I know that I'll be fine. Love you guys and thank you so much for being here!

My email address is bparkman@ymail.com --Send me an email letting me know that you would like to receive my updates! :)

Sweetly Broken...

I'm so sorry I haven't written... it has been so busy! But I can not even explain what all God has begun to do in me. I can't believe we are starting week six! It's going by so fast!! And there is so much that God has already opened my eyes to!

All of our weeks look the same for the most part. We have a new speaker every week (this week it's going to be our lovely DTS school leader, Jen!). Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we have about one and a half to two hours of "Worship and Intercession" starting at 8:30! Then starting at 10:30 we have a two hour lecture and lunch at 12:30. Everyday, from 1:30 to 3:30, we have what's called a "work duty" where they place us around the base doing whatever they need us to do! The first week, we were each assigned to work duties, and God totally knows me.. I work in the nursery! (Best job ever! He loves me THAT much!) Then, most days, from 3:30 to 5:30 we have another two hour lecture. But after that we have dinner and mostly free time to hang out or do work that we've been assigned to! We have a set of books that we are required to read and turn in book reports on, and each week we have to creatively reflect on what we've learned with our "one-on-one". My one-on-one is probably one of my favorite parts of my week! We have a certain staff leader that was assigned to us, that is here just to help us talk through things and process what we're learning! And then weekends are free! But no matter how much free time I have, I always find myself looking for more! There is just so much to be done! Reading, book reports, quiet times... But it is so good, and God has so much in store!

There is so much going on in my head at the moment. The first week God really showed me some things about where my heart was about Jace. He made me realize that for the past year I hadn't let myself be honest about how it really made me feel. I kept myself so busy that I hadn't dealt with much, really. He showed me that I can tell Him that it makes me angry and confused, that I don't understand how this could happen. And it was really freeing to be able to let that all go. It's like when your mad at someone you're close to (maybe a best friend?) but you don't feel like bringing it all up, so you just pretend that everything is fine.. when in reality your just making it worse by not being honest with that person. But, at the same time, it's brought up a lot of things that I never imagined could exist inside me. I realize that this is where my trust issues come from. I find myself confused about who God is... and who He is to me. How am I supposed to look at Him? And my heart is to know Him for who He is! But, on one end I know Him as a good God who loves me with all of His heart. A God that wants to be with me, wants to give me everything He can, wants to hold my hand... play with my hair. But then, there is this other side of me that is so confused. God, if You're so good then how could this happen? I thought You wanted the best for me? You promised me! How could things go from being so good to being so bad? How could You take him away from us after You promised that he would be healed? How can I trust You after that? And why? Why Jace? Or why NOT Jace? How can You heal some little babies but You wouldn't heal Jace? And the questions go on and on. I never knew that all this was even inside of me! And it is a daily struggle that I am going through... wrestling with God about all these issues. But I feel like in a weird way, it's brought us closer. He is proud of me, that I'm willing to be honest and work through it all. It sucks. And when I'm thinking about it so often.. I'm thinking about Jace a lot. The memories will just randomly flood in, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Good memories. Bad memories. Memories, nonetheless, of a little baby boy that meant more to me than words can say. But what I realize, is that when I miss him, God misses him with me. And when I feel like there is no one who understands, He understands. And when I weep, He weeps with me. And no matter how blurred my vision may be at this moment in my life, God is loving me through it. He is doing more in me than perhaps I would have hoped! But I know that it's going to be so worth it in the end! I am determined to get over the sun, and really know my God for who He is. Keep praying!!!

Lecture Phase Begins!

Well, I'm here!!! We drove ALL the way from Oklahoma and pulled into the parking lot at about 12:30pm yesterday! They had a family dinner and then a welcoming service, my parents and little sister stayed the night, and then left me early this morning! God has just given me such a peace.. I cannot even explain to you! I am more comfortable than I ever imagined! And even though we are still trying to get to know each other, I have made some really good friends ALREADY!! I am so excited to see what all He has in store for me here! Be praying for me, as I'm sure the enemy will be trying to make me homesick, and keep me from growing in my relationship with the Lord! I also feel like I may struggle a little bit to stay focused on Him, and Him, alone. But I know that He is bigger than anything, and nothing can stop His plan for me... not even ME! I'm so glad to have all of you, and so excited that this amazing journey has finally begun!!! God is good!

Two years old...

On August 14, 2007 I watched little Jace Richard Campbell come into this world. I remember suiting up and waiting for the nurse to come and tell us we could go in. Rocky and I were so excited, we could hardly wait! But once we got inside the operating room, it all happened so fast. A life began right in front of my eyes.. a life that I had no idea would one day, all too soon, mean more to me than I could ever imagine. I feel like words are just not enough. I was happy to celebrate Jace's birthday. Happy that he was more happy than we even know. But so much of it is bitter. The memories are happy, but they always have the pain at the end.

My favorite memory I have of him, before he got sick, was one day when Lydia had taken Court out to do something fun and I had stayed with Jace and Rocky. I remember getting him out of the bathtub and putting his lotion on (he hated lotion) so by the time I had him all lathered up, he was pretty upset with me. So I picked him up and held him close, and I told him "It's okay, Beth's here" and then I sang him his Byo's (his favorite lullaby) swaying back and forth. After I calmed him down I put his little "Admi - (red)" onesie on from BabyGap, and I played with him in his exersaucer. He was so happy. But, he was always happy!

I couldn't stop thinking about him... his handsome little smile, what it felt like to hold him in my arms. And then we wrote him notes, tied them to balloons, and let them go. And a small part of me thinks "why?" He should be here, walking around on his wabbly legs. Today should be happy. Eating Birthday cake should be fun. But, it wasn't. I didn't want any Birthday cake. I wanted to take a picture with my Niece and BOTH of my nephews. But instead I took a picture with Courtlynn and Jett by Jace's headstone. Sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes I just can't understand.

Last week I took Courtlynn on a date, and before we ate I started to pray. But she stopped me and said "I'll pray!" and she literally took me away... "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me to understand. Amen." I think God knew how much I would need that prayer for this particular day. Sometimes we DON'T understand. And, honestly, it's okay with me if I don't. I can rest in the arms of God, knowing that He has everything under control. And it's okay to be sad, sometimes. It's okay to not understand, and maybe wonder why things turned out this way... wonder why they couldn't be different. God is just that good.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for I will comfort them."

Happy 2nd Birthday my baby angel. We miss you and love you so very much!

Only one more month...

Well, its been a little while! So sorry! I've been super busy with all kinds of things! We had our Scentsy Party and made a little over one hundred dollars! Thank you Jesus! I'm just believing that God is going to provide! Even if it's not until the day before my deadline! And wouldn't it be just like Him to do that!? :) I spoke with the YWAM register's office a few days ago and got a pretty good idea about what else I'm going to need, how much room I will have,...Etc. I will for sure have three other roommates! And our room is just like a hotel room with two bunk beds, a dresser of 8 drawers, and one closet! So, I won't be able to bring many things! But, I think thats part of the experience, learning to be thankful and content with what you have... with what you NEED. I've reached a little over half of my tuition! I still have about $3,000 to go! And that includes airfare to wherever my Outreach Phase will be! Which I won't know until probably week three or four of my Lecture Phase... so end of September, beginning of October.

As it gets closer and closer to time, I have to be honest, I'm pretty nervous! Everyday life, here in Oklahoma, is easy. It's comfortable. I know everyone around me, I make my own money and spend it on what I want to spend it on, I can take my Courty on a date any day! And all that is about to be stripped away. Which is good, don't get me wrong! I know that then it will be just me and my Jesus, and thats a big reason He's sending me away! But that doesn't exactly make it any easier! I'll miss Court's 4th birthday. I'll miss watching Jett grow for 6 months. I'll miss Christmas with my family. Morning breakfasts with my mom. Family nights every Tuesday. Hanging out with my friends. And the list could go on forever! But that almost makes it even more precious, this journey I'm about to embark on. God invited me, and in order for me to go, I have to leave all this behind. Everything that's ever meant anything to me! Everything I've ever known. An adventure! And it's exciting and scary and sad all at the same time! It won't be easy, thats for sure! But I think it will fly by, and I'll be home before I know it! ....Probably wishing I was still there!

So this last month I am making as much time as possible to be with my family and friends. This week I'm fasting from 6:00pm to 6:00am. (It's harder than it sounds! Like an hour after dinner, I want something sweet!) And I'm also fasting from secular music. I feel like when I surround myself with worship and the word of God, I'm almost a different person! I'm praying for Faith and Trust in the Lord, that He will provide. And I'm praying that He will just continue to make my heart yearn for Him more and more each day! He's always faithful, He's always good, He's never failed me. I can't wait to run away with my Jesus!

One Year...

One year ago, today I kissed Jace Richard goodbye. If someone had told me that day that I was going to make it, I don't think I would have believed them. Thinking back to that last day, (July, 4th 2008) I can remember the last time I held him in my arms, the last time I fed him, the last time I kissed his sweet lips... and the pain is still so heavy. My favorite part about that day was holding him so close in the water and dancing around in circles til he fell asleep with his little arms around me. Not a day has gone by, this whole year, that I didn't think about that baby boy. I would give just about anything to hear his sweet voice again, or smell his little scent. I can still see him in his "Dream Boat" jammies, and I'll never forget what it felt like to lay with him right up next to me. Being "Aunt Beth" is probably one of the most important things to me. And being JACE'S "Aunt Beth" was my favorite thing, Period. I can't put into words, what God has done in me as I look back on his life. He made me brave. That little boy was stronger and more courageous than anyone I have ever met in my life! If it weren't for him, I truly don't believe that I would have had the guts to do something like YWAM. And as painful as this last year has been, God has once again, in a way I cannot even begin to explain, proved Himself faithful. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So thank you my sweet Jesus, for carrying me through... ALL of us! And thank you Jace for giving me the opportunity to be your "Aunt Beth", and for making me brave. We love and miss you so very much.